Dear Mom:

Last night Kaylie asked me how did God die?  I reached deep within myself to find the proper answer to that question.  Decidedly, I grabbed the bible and the Children's Bible at bedtime and began reading it to her.   I find most religious sects to be of the cult variety but I still believe in God!!  So, where better to spread The Word than from in our own home?!! 

Kaylie and I pray every night as I put her in bed.  It seems that this is the time she wants to ask me about you!  I love that she loves you even though she doesn't really know you.  I love how she is so inquisitive about you.  It makes me feel like I will never forget those special memories because I get to share them with Kaylie so often. 

Jazmin likes to tease Kaylie by saying that she was able to spend more time with you.  Its true but sad that she feels the need to use that special bond that you guys shared to torture her little sister.  I think about that day when you were lying in the bed and you heard me yell at Jazmin.  Your eyes got as big as saucers, you pointed your finger at me and you said "you have to be different with her".  I agree, Mommie.   As much as you loved Jazmin I know you would get a kick out of Kaylie.  She says the funniest things and is such a lover.  

Sometimes I wish that you would have taken me with you like I asked.  I resist the urge to pick up the phone and call you even to this day.  "Get up... you can't sleep all day."  Your scent lingers in my memory along with your voice and the feel of your skin.

It's hard not having you around.  I feel like I'm just floating through this life until we can meet again.  At times, I feel like I am carrying on where you left off.  Some days are hard to get motivated.  Pushing myself to do even the mundane tasks.

You were taken from me too soon.  I know you left a hole in all of our lives but you were my best friend.  Remember that day at Wendy's and I asked you who is going to be my best friend?  You pointed at Jazmin and said "She is."  I need you to work a miracle because we are far from best friends.  We barely get along on good days.

I miss you, Mommie.

I blame t.v. and movies.................

I used to fantasize about being in love when I was younger.  What it would be like to have a husband and some kids.  I would lay in bed and let my thoughts carry me to sleep.  I blame movies and t.v. for setting some unrealistic goals for me in my relationship endeavors.  I wanted it all.  The white picket fence, 2.3 kids, a loving husband and happiness.  I didn't think it was too much to ask.  


I suffered from "Absentee Father" syndrome and tried to compensate by looking for love.   Sadly, I wanted to be in love so bad that I sold myself on the idea before I even knew what love was.   When the stars dulled in my eyes and the clouds seemed to have dumped me on my butt, I found myself in a loveless marriage back where I started.  Dreaming about a real love.  


Why can't life be like a John Hughes movie?  That guy knew what women wanted.  A great love story with all its comical twists and turns.  In the end, the girl always got her man!!  I want a love that would be envied.  I want my man to think of me as much as I think of him.  I am a creature of touch and need to FEEL love.  Holding hands, a gentle kiss, a loving embrace.....  without ME being the one to initiate it.  


The funny thing is is that I have been with guys that really, truly have that character trait in them.  But I guess it wasn't in me to allow myself to be happy.  I keep going back to the one that causes me the most pain.  Somehow, this whole blog thing was supposed to be therapeutic but its only making me feel worse about myself and my decisions.  


Until I am free of this bondage that is my current situation, I will continue dreaming of my John Hughes movie.....  

Welcome Mat .... Please wipe your feet before entering! (warning: self-loathing)

There are lessons to be learned in life.  I am fairly certain that I have multitudes to learn!  Lately, I have been contemplating my purpose.  I haven't quite come to any conclusion either.  After performing a self evaluation, I find that many of my good qualities are qualities that are considered weak!  In a den of lions, I'm sure that I would have been eaten already.
I receive pep talks from my adopted family (friends) whom I prefer to most of my actual family.  In a perfect world, the qualities that I do possess that would have been considered admirable in an era long ago.  I have become a door mat inviting anyone to wipe their feet on me before trampling my self esteem and good nature.
I should have stayed out of the marital problems that certain family members were having but what do you do when they plead with you not to hang up??  As usual, when the dust settles, the marriage is perfect and the interlopers are frowned upon.
My constant need to please everyone and lack of ability to say no have been a giant FAIL!  I have put everyone else first and leave me for last.
Living in a foreign country, in a loveless marriage, with unruly children is a testament to my failure.
Is this the point in the story where I finally wake up to the reality and change my life to live happily ever after? Only in fairy tales.  
My story starts as a young girl born to an alcoholic, adulterer father and manic depressive mother. My parents divorce.  I suffer from "Daddy Issues" and I search for love in any man that would have me. Settling for the first one who would have me indefinitely and is true to the cliche - Just Like Daddy!!  
Blaming myself for all of my partner's faults and enduring years of mental abuse.  As a result, low self esteem! Classic case of an enabler!  Will I pass this gene on to my daughters?  More than likely.... as it was passed along to me by my mother!
In retrospect, I would have stayed out of the family drama. I don't know how but I would have.  Not answering the phone would be a beginning.  But sadly, my need to be there and make everyone happy would prevent me from just letting the phone ring!!
Please, please, please.... just wipe your feet before stomping on my face.

Hope Floats

Accomplishments come in small steps or leaps and bounds.  Lately, I find that even the smallest of accomplishment should be celebrated.  As a South Floridian still trapped in foreign Montreal, I am desperately seeking sanity.  One of the smallest steps toward my independence was obtaining a credit card.  Yes, I am unemployed and have just secured a $1,000 credit limit.....   trusting country that Canada is.  I refuse to abuse this opportunity even though temptation is beckoning me!!

This comes on the heels of a step backward in the immigration process.  It would appear that I may have to have another medical exam because of a missing name on my application.  Ummm, the fact that you received my application in September and began processing it in November says nothing for the fact that you waited until JULY to tell me something was missing. I wouldn't be so upset if the medical exam doesn't expire on the 10th of August and the doctor is on HOLIDAY until MID-AUGUST!!!  

Sorry for yelling ...  I am trying to remain calm but I really want to start working again.  I need adults to talk to   (non-family adults that especially do not live in my house and are not 1,700 miles away).

I recently 'chatted' with my niece via Facebook and have acknowledged that never losing faith, always chasing your dreams and taking leaps of faith are the prescription for getting what you want out of life.  I like this idea and intend on adopting this into my life.  Smile about the funny things even if they come inside of a little despair.  My bad mood is affecting everything around me.

So, if you see me out and about (don't faint in shock first) and I have a stupid smile on my face it is not because I'm crazy (the jury is still out on that) but because I am finding happiness in every little thing.  I have to because there is way to much to be sad about.

It's not you..... It's me!! REALLY!!!

There comes a time in every woman's life that they come to a realization that IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!   I have lived as a codependent enabler far too long.  The Bi-Polar Roller Coaster has come to a stop.  Thank you for riding and watch your step as you disembark!!

Everything is coming up roses....

Just when you think there is a bottom of the pit that I have been sinking in.... someone hands me a shovel!!  Today, I am sitting on the balcony in 84 degree weather (not complaining) while the kids watch a Disney movie (too loud for me) and I blog in peace!!

Recently the postal service in Canada has gone on strike.  This really wouldn't bother me if not for the fact that I am waiting on things to come in the mail.  Diet pills being at the top of my list!!!  Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration.  I am waiting for the pills but most importantly I am waiting for my immigration paperwork.  I am neurotic about checking my status online but there is never anything to check... ugh!!

So, here I sit - feeling sorry for myself, listening to iTunes and typing my sorrows for anyone and everyone to read!!  I'm like the neighbors' cat.  He lays lazily on the driveway, admiring all the freedom around him unable to partake because of the tight leash his owners have bestowed upon him.  This friggin' leash is suffocating me!!

The Little One's birthday is coming....  The big 5 YEARS OLD!!  Where has the time gone??  On her birthday school will be out for the summer and then we will celebrate with their dad's family.  Yay!!  (sarcastic)  Not that I have a problem with any of them....  Maybe that isn't entirely true either.  I prefer not to deal with a few of them and have been enjoying the time not spent with them.  I sacrifice my sanity for the happiness of my children.  So bring on the lunatics!!!  Our official celebration will be when we take our kids to La Ronde (official amusement park of Montreal)!!  Too bad we have to wait for our finances to level out first.  (damned single income family living!!)

There are times when I wish I was back in Florida with my friends and family.  More times than I care to admit.  I have to learn patience and practicality.  Life isn't going to serve itself up on a platter to me.  I have to get out there and take what it has to offer.  Aspire to inspire before you expire.  

So, no diet pills and no immigration papers.....  this is a long month so far.  Hurry up and work out your differences Canada Post!!!  

Don't Blink...

My children are growing so fast.  I have to remind myself to slow down and not rush the process.   I should relish the fact that The Little One wants me to help her put on her pajamas after a shower or braiding The Other One's hair.   In a few, short years they are both going to go their own ways and leave me standing in a trail of dust. 

We recently went to Kindergarten Orientation for The Little One and it was bittersweet.  She was excited to go meet her teacher and play in the classroom.  So excited that she thought the next day she had to go back.  I had to explain to her that she has until September and show her on the calendar when September was in relation to the month we're in.  

This is the last summer that I will spend with them before both of them will be going to school.  I will be buying school supplies from two lists, uniforms for two girls, two backpacks and lunchboxes!

Time has gone by so fast that I shouldn't blink or I'll miss it all.  The Other One is 10 but I have to remember that when dealing with her.  I was recently reminded that she requires a different approach when dealing with her.  I sometimes look at her and think that she is capable of doing many things and forget that she is ONLY 10!!  Hormones and steroids in the food along with my genes have rushed her body into developing prematurely and makes her appear to be 13 years old..........  trouble when it comes to the boys!!! 

What I learned in the past few days is to stop and smell the roses , so to speak!! 

DON'T BLINK!!!!