I used to fantasize about being in love when I was younger. What it would be like to have a husband and some kids. I would lay in bed and let my thoughts carry me to sleep. I blame movies and t.v. for setting some unrealistic goals for me in my relationship endeavors. I wanted it all. The white picket fence, 2.3 kids, a loving husband and happiness. I didn't think it was too much to ask.
I suffered from "Absentee Father" syndrome and tried to compensate by looking for love. Sadly, I wanted to be in love so bad that I sold myself on the idea before I even knew what love was. When the stars dulled in my eyes and the clouds seemed to have dumped me on my butt, I found myself in a loveless marriage back where I started. Dreaming about a real love.
Why can't life be like a John Hughes movie? That guy knew what women wanted. A great love story with all its comical twists and turns. In the end, the girl always got her man!! I want a love that would be envied. I want my man to think of me as much as I think of him. I am a creature of touch and need to FEEL love. Holding hands, a gentle kiss, a loving embrace..... without ME being the one to initiate it.
The funny thing is is that I have been with guys that really, truly have that character trait in them. But I guess it wasn't in me to allow myself to be happy. I keep going back to the one that causes me the most pain. Somehow, this whole blog thing was supposed to be therapeutic but its only making me feel worse about myself and my decisions.
Until I am free of this bondage that is my current situation, I will continue dreaming of my John Hughes movie.....
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