do they give medals of honor for this many years of marriage???

As my seventeenth wedding anniversary approaches I have been reflecting upon the life that my husband and I have shared together.  Some good and most bad but we endured it all and managed to stay married.  Things have definitely changed since 1992, when we embarked on this adventure.......    We met under extraordinary circumstances, forged a friendship that blossomed into something wonderful and then we got married. 
We started out unable to be separated for any given amount of time.  Now, I think we can't wait to be alone.... by ourselves.... without our spouse OR the kids. Sometimes, I even relish the time I have alone in the bathroom.  I have to pretend to have stomach issues so that I can read a book in peace. 

In the beginning, our romantic life was full of exploration and innovation.  Now.....  those are the LAST two words I would use to describe what we do.   Things have just sort of settled into what they are now.  Just this morning, I was laying in bed next to him and was staring out of the window.  He got up and began to get dressed.  He looked at me for a moment then said "You need some D-drops".  I immediately thought that this was code for "Let's get naked"......   Sadly, it wasn't.  There are some sort of vitamin D drops on the market to take during the winter when getting the natural vitamin from the sun is unlikely.  It will also enhance your mood.... meaning - help with depression.  I guess the look of contemplation that I thought was on my face was more easily read as slit-my-wrists.

When we married, it wasn't a shotgun wedding.... no pending children to speak of.  We married out of LOVE!!!   We were young, in love and needing something in our lives that marriage would fulfill........or so we thought!!  Both of us being from broken homes we thought that we could somehow become each others family.  Sometimes, when thinking about my marriage it is often synonymous with regret.  Regret is such a powerful emotion.  Everything that happens is for a reason.  Often times I wonder how my decisions effected the outcome of so many things that I would have changed.   It's a learning process after all.  If I don't learn anything then it truly is regrettable.

In true dysfunctional tradition, we will spend our anniversary weekend (the actual date is on a Monday) by doing what we do EVERY weekend.  Grocery shopping, movie rentals and fast food.  You would think that after 17 years I would have a statue erected in my honor.   I can't help giggling at the word erect.  There isn't much in my life that excites me and that made the top of the list. 

To my husband:   They said that you and I shouldn't be together and they were probably right.  Throughout all of the trials and tribulations ........... we managed to stay together.   You gave me two beautiful daughters whom I love dearly and I thank you for that.  We have grown so much over the years and became who we should have been 18 years ago.  I love you for who you are and know that everything you do is with your family's best interest at heart.  With all my love on our anniversary.  Now .........  Let's get naked!!!

You can't spell DYSFUNCTIONAL without the word FUN!!!!

So after spending the holidays with my husband's family I have deemed myself worthy of the new position of FAMILY RECLUSE.  No longer answering the calls of complaints that one family member has of the other.  Shying away from controversy and only dealing with the people that inhabit my home with me.   For this, I am extremely ecstatic because I won't need to cry myself to sleep over some crazy, asinine decision that SOMEONE ELSE makes - unless it is one of the members of my motley crew. 

I looked around at the faces that surrounded me that night and I found that getting roped into that family was like a really bad sentence for a crime you hadn't yet committed.  I forged a bond between the other non-related members of the clan.  We were connected by the love that we had for our significant other and tolerating their relations was a part of the deal.  

For once, no one complained that the turkey wasn't there at 5 o'clock.  We were all swimming in the community pool known as ALCOHOL by the time the main course arrived.  I was genuinely happy that the evening seemed to be going smoothly -for once.  The kids are all getting along with one another and life couldn't have been any better......................................   or so I thought.

Enter -Clogged Sink!!!   Nothing tears apart the best Christmas night ever like a clogged sink.  What??  It's true...  this is not a joke.  All I can say is too many chiefs and not enough Indians....  well, there is ONE as he pointed out to me. 

I am thankful for my 1,700 mile buffer zone between myself and my relatives.  Thanks to my brother's girlfriend, I will be adopting the new "antisocial" behavior that I have frowned upon for so many years. 
I am really excited about the new recluse life I am planning to live.....   Excited indeed.....  If I choose to alienate myself that means less headache and outside interference!!

We'll see how this new lifestyle goes.  So far, it isn't too bad.   I do, however, miss my extended family of friends that allowed me in their lives.   With a really good family of friends...  life is not only good - it's GREAT!!!!

Trite Complaints......

So, I suppose that one reason that I started this blog was to vent about my frustration with raising a 'special' child.  Indeed special is a fitting term to describe her.  She's only nine but appears to be going on twenty-nine!!  
First, let me tell you that I DO love my child... although there are days that I question that myself.  I love both of my children.  I really, really, REALLY wanted to be a mom.  Now that I am....  I have this strange kinship with animals that eat their young!!!  
Most days are full of yelling in this house.  I dread getting up to face the day.  It all starts with waking the oldest for school.  This task usually consists of one or both of us yelling.  It is a constant battle between the two of us.  I just don't understand it. 
The other night she was arguing with her four-year-old sister and because the argument took a turn that she didn't like, hauled off and hit the little one.  I immediately asked her to go to bed and the response I got was "MAKE ME!!".  That was a WTF moment if I had ever had one. 
Today was no different than any other day....  insisting on wearing clothes that are not in the dress code policy, arguing that it is my fault that she has to wear clothes that she finds unflattering and don't forget the "I hate you's" and You are the worst mom ever!!".  It's enough to drive the sanest person BATSHIT CRAZY!!   I wonder if I should phone ahead my reservation at the local mental institution. 
So here I find myself dreading being around her.  Unable to forgive the bad behavior that has occurred over the last six or more years.   Becoming emotionally unavailable to her because I can't turn it on and off like she does.  It's the worst feeling ever!!! 
She is absolutely gorgeous (and I'm not just saying that because she's MY daughter - she truly is!!) and smart too! 
Over the years, I have had her in and out of therapy with the several conflicting conclusions.  I have the firm belief that she is bipolar and don't know where to begin getting her the help she so desperately needs.  I do know that living like this isn't living at all. 
God help me and her - because this can't go on!!  

A new year...

Nearly a week into 2011 and I find it easier than I expected in keeping with my resolution of NOT taking up smoking....   I wasn't sure of my ability to abstain but I have proven, yet again, that I am stronger than I think.  Although, it would be much easier to give in to the urge rather than fight sometimes.... especially when it seems I am in desperate need of a new vice to help me overcome bouts of depression and/or frustration!!! 

As I reflect on 2010 and all that my family and I have accomplished, it seems that I owe myself (and maybe others) an apology for voicing my trite complaints repeatedly.  This journey has been rough and with the constant obstacles came valuable lessons.  These lessons are teaching me patience....   I say teaching because I haven't quite grasped the concept.  My husband likes to point out that I am a "I want it NOW!!" kind of girl.   I don't find that to be a bad thing, per se.  I like to think that my 'want it NOW' attitude is to thank for many things that go my way!! 

Another thing that 2010 taught me was that people who you think you can trust or SHOULD trust aren't always the people that deserve that priviledge.  In fact, the lesson that I will take to my grave and shall pass along to you is - If it appears too good to be true..... it probably is.   Don't take any unwanted advice from anyone especially if they don't practice what THEY preach.   Some people pride themselves on reading every Self Help book they can get their greedy, little hands on and when I stumbled across the term "Shelf Esteem" I found it fitting. These people LOVE to tell you what is wrong in your life and the woes that they suffer/suffered yet can't seem to find happiness in anyone or thing themselves.   Steer clear of this type!!!

And, last but not least.... Don't sweat the small stuff!!   Ha!!  Now if only I can live by it.  All good things come to those who wait.  Patience is a virtue.  In due time....   yea, yea... what they said!!   I'm trying but it isn't as easy to adhere to as it is to say!!   Trust me when I tell you that I am trying. 

2011 will be better... I promise!!  Now, if I can only make some damn friends!!!!    It's getting pretty lonely in my corner of the world with just my kids listening to me complain!!   (Apologies to my American friends that call me religiously-- I do appreciate you!!)