Dear Mom:

(I decided last night as I was trying to fall asleep that there are things that only my mother would have had answers to - or the only answers that I would want to hear anyway - so I am writing to her via my blog.)

So, today wasn't so bad being home with Jazmin all day.  She really is growing up too fast.  The other night she was on the phone (infinitely) and was answering on the first ring.  That was the first indication that she was up to no good.  Needless to say, she was talking to a boy and that freaked out her father more than me.  I know what it was like being a young girl with raging hormones.  My only hope is that I don't become a grandmother before my time!!  

In other news, I am still struggling to fit in here in Canada.  No such luck with being accepted by the family.  It makes me miss my dysfunctional family so much.  Hubby seems to think that his crazy family is far better than mine but I am starting to believe that it is only a matter of opinion.  Personally,  I like my redneck, backwoods, fun-loving, shit-talking family far more than the ones here that openly attack you and force their opinions on you.  Don't get me wrong, Mom.  There are some that have been gracious and loving.  I wouldn't want to lose them at all, but the others make it harder for me to adapt and quite frankly....  I'm tired of it. 

I've been dreaming again.....   I dream that you tell me that you're still alive.  I don't know what that means.  Other people that suffered a loss believe that they feel the person is with them.  I don't feel you.  I know that I miss you and cry openly just looking at your picture but I just don't feel your presence.  Jazmin wrote a letter to God the other day asking for one more chance to hug you.  It was touching.  She said that she misses telling secrets with you.  She even asked Him if He would allow her to come visit her "Grandma Georgie".   Kaylie doesn't know you but I know you loved her very much too.  I tell her that you called her "Grandma's little bully" and she giggles.   We all have had to grow up in your absence - some more than others. 

Well,  so much was taken for granted when you were here and now that you're not life seems to stand still but continue at the same time.  Does that make any sense?  I never knew how much a nearly forty-year-old woman would need her mommy like I need you.  I love you, Mommie!!!   xoxo