ADD ------ the monkey on my back!

I had this bright idea once......   It happens sometimes.  It happened when I least expected it.  The day it happened is somewhat of a blur to me because it all happened so fast.  The idea to blog. 

Posting my innermost thoughts and ideas online for all to see .....   what was I thinking? 

I must admit that I am somewhat of a voyeur.  I enjoy poking around inside my fellow blogger's heads!  I feel like a seedy pervert peeking into the windows of their souls unbeknownst to them. I like to think that they don't know - it adds to the seediness.   Wow... this tidbit of honesty makes me feel slightly dirty.   Oh well, moving on! 

So, blogging was to be the motivational mode to catapulting myself into writing.  I think I always wanted to be a writer but never the drive or the focus (ADD truly sucks).  I find myself trudging through the day trying to find things to write about.  As my many 'draft' posts would imply - these ideas never come to fruition.

My thoughts and ideas are scattered like a puzzle dropped on the floor.  Now, if only I had the ability to arrange these pieces in an orderly fashion to be pleasing to the eye.  This and other evidence proves that, beyond a shadow of a doubt,  I have Attention Deficit Disorder!!   My husband is fully aware of my condition and lovingly steps around my piles of swept-up debris waiting to be disposed of and the loads of laundry that have been negectfully forgotten to be put away.  I'm lying when I say 'lovingly'.  My husband abhors my condition.... as do I.  Omega 3's... here I come!!! 

I dream of ideas.  I wake up and think how wonderful this 'story' would be on screen or in print.  I begin writing but the demon ADD creeps up and steals my focus, leaving me wandering aimlessly..... starting new projects to be left unfinished!!  What a tragedy.

If you're out there dealing with this demon, like me, and are comforted knowing that I am suffering with you.... then my job is done!!  

Until I cure myself of this disability, I will continue to wander the halls of my mind and attempt to put as much as I can in print ----- or continue peeking in other's windows, admiring their wit and humor. 

I own my mistakes.

Sometimes I wonder if my life is just a cruel joke being played on me by my Higher Power!!   I just can't imagine that ONE person is fated to live with this much drama in ONE lifetime!! 
I guess it is simpler to blame others for my poor choices, but here I am acknowledging my mistakes. 
My husband is an alcoholic....  Wow!!!  Saying that out loud sure relieves alot of anxiety.  My HUSBAND is an ALCOHOLIC!!  and when he drinks he turns into a very different person.  He becomes someone that doesn't care for anyone else.  It is all about him and that is all that matters.  He tends to stumble through it all by dismissing his actions when he's drunk by saying he doesn't remember any of it.  Ha, ha, ha....  "I didn't know I slept with that woman.... I WAS DRUNK!!" 
I stuck by him throughout his alcoholism and drug addiction.  I put him before my children.  I have given more of myself than I had to give.  What do I receive in return, you ask?  "If you don't like it.... that's too effin' bad!" 
Honestly...  If I were my friend, I would have told me to leave and never look back.  I have offered my own friends that advice.  For some stupid reason I can't do it for myself.
All this bad behavior has had its affects on my children as well.  My oldest treats me like shit under her shoe at nine-years-old because that is how she sees her father treating me. 
I moved to a foreign country in the hopes that I could scrape my family back together.  It would seem that the only thing I did was deplete any means of being able to support myself and handing over full control to a raging alcoholic.  Now, I'm stuck in this stupid place, with a stupid drunk and a mother-in-law that lives to make my life miserable. 
The immigration process has stalled my ability to earn money.  I am at the mercy of this controlling, power-hungry, alcoholic that could care less about me or my feelings. 
When my mom was dying, she called to my husband and asked that he watch over her girls.  She knew that by asking him this it was a gamble.  Making this request of a man that continuously kicked myself and our daughter out of his home so that he could embark on a drug induced orgy. 
What was I thinking by coming here?  I could have done much better on welfare in the state of Florida than to be abused like this. 
They say that God only puts on you what you can handle.  I hope that He hasn't forgotten about me and gone to watch a game somewhere. 
Until I am capable of standing on my own two feet.... I'll be "trapped" in Canada.