Dear Mom:

Last night Kaylie asked me how did God die?  I reached deep within myself to find the proper answer to that question.  Decidedly, I grabbed the bible and the Children's Bible at bedtime and began reading it to her.   I find most religious sects to be of the cult variety but I still believe in God!!  So, where better to spread The Word than from in our own home?!! 

Kaylie and I pray every night as I put her in bed.  It seems that this is the time she wants to ask me about you!  I love that she loves you even though she doesn't really know you.  I love how she is so inquisitive about you.  It makes me feel like I will never forget those special memories because I get to share them with Kaylie so often. 

Jazmin likes to tease Kaylie by saying that she was able to spend more time with you.  Its true but sad that she feels the need to use that special bond that you guys shared to torture her little sister.  I think about that day when you were lying in the bed and you heard me yell at Jazmin.  Your eyes got as big as saucers, you pointed your finger at me and you said "you have to be different with her".  I agree, Mommie.   As much as you loved Jazmin I know you would get a kick out of Kaylie.  She says the funniest things and is such a lover.  

Sometimes I wish that you would have taken me with you like I asked.  I resist the urge to pick up the phone and call you even to this day.  "Get up... you can't sleep all day."  Your scent lingers in my memory along with your voice and the feel of your skin.

It's hard not having you around.  I feel like I'm just floating through this life until we can meet again.  At times, I feel like I am carrying on where you left off.  Some days are hard to get motivated.  Pushing myself to do even the mundane tasks.

You were taken from me too soon.  I know you left a hole in all of our lives but you were my best friend.  Remember that day at Wendy's and I asked you who is going to be my best friend?  You pointed at Jazmin and said "She is."  I need you to work a miracle because we are far from best friends.  We barely get along on good days.

I miss you, Mommie.

I blame t.v. and movies.................

I used to fantasize about being in love when I was younger.  What it would be like to have a husband and some kids.  I would lay in bed and let my thoughts carry me to sleep.  I blame movies and t.v. for setting some unrealistic goals for me in my relationship endeavors.  I wanted it all.  The white picket fence, 2.3 kids, a loving husband and happiness.  I didn't think it was too much to ask.  


I suffered from "Absentee Father" syndrome and tried to compensate by looking for love.   Sadly, I wanted to be in love so bad that I sold myself on the idea before I even knew what love was.   When the stars dulled in my eyes and the clouds seemed to have dumped me on my butt, I found myself in a loveless marriage back where I started.  Dreaming about a real love.  


Why can't life be like a John Hughes movie?  That guy knew what women wanted.  A great love story with all its comical twists and turns.  In the end, the girl always got her man!!  I want a love that would be envied.  I want my man to think of me as much as I think of him.  I am a creature of touch and need to FEEL love.  Holding hands, a gentle kiss, a loving embrace.....  without ME being the one to initiate it.  


The funny thing is is that I have been with guys that really, truly have that character trait in them.  But I guess it wasn't in me to allow myself to be happy.  I keep going back to the one that causes me the most pain.  Somehow, this whole blog thing was supposed to be therapeutic but its only making me feel worse about myself and my decisions.  


Until I am free of this bondage that is my current situation, I will continue dreaming of my John Hughes movie.....