The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step......

It's my civic duty to impart wisdom on my readers.  Today's wisdom comes from a very encouraging source - "Courage to Change".  This is apparently the bible to members of Al-Anon ( a group that I should probably join ).  For those of you who are members or familiar with this program, please disregard my obvious lack of knowledge. 

I have low self-esteem....  I know, I know.  It's not easily recognizable from the outside but people that know me are able to testify to that tid-bit.   I don't know where it stems from but it is omnipresent.  So, my aunt in her infinite wisdom advised me to read this book.  I love to read....  ( I read all four Twilight books in approximately 2 1/2 weeks...it's an illness, I think).  So, I jumped at the opportunity to wrap my mind around some words on paper. 

To my chagrin, this wasn't a cover-to-cover, normal reading experience.  This book is written as a daily affirmation -  page one is titled January 1.  My aunt suggested keeping this bible in the restroom so instead of reading shampoo bottles you get your daily affirmation while evacuating your bowels. 

At first, I was skeptical of reading a book that was directed towards people that are relatives or friends of alcoholics.  My first reaction is that 'they' are the ones with the problem!!  I have never attended a meeting but this book shows me that living with an alcoholic really does change your life and who you become.  

I come from a long line of people that abuse substances. In fact, everyone around me did something to self-medicate.  Whether it be drinking or illegal drugs - sometimes both!!  My father, brothers, uncles, husband.... .the list goes on and on.  I even experimented on my own but my drug of choice is FOOD!!  

I have found that reading these daily affirmations has opened my eyes to the way I deal.  Now it's permanent resting place is on the shelf behind my toilet.  It's not glamorous but it is convenient....

I will close this blog with one of my favorite quotes from the book:

"Daily vigilance will turn out to be a small price to pay for my peace of mind." 

Keep up the daily vigilance because we all need peace of mind!!  

Blaming myself!!

I usually take a serious situation and turn it into a joke but I can't do that now.  I am dealing with an issue that is devouring me and my family.  My nine-year-old daughter has turned me inside out.  I have dealt with her behavior problems since she was two and in daycare. I used to blame myself for poor parenting skills.

I will take you through a brief history of our roller coaster ride that we call "OUR LIFE"...... 

At two-years-old, I was continuously called by the preschool teacher to be informed that she had been biting and scratching her classmates.  This appeared to be 'normal' behavior of a toddler. 

Between three and four-years-old, I was notified that my daughter was the ringleader of a group of children in the restroom taking off their clothes and showing each other their 'parts'.  For this, she was expelled. 

I brought this behavior to the attention of her pediatrician.  The beginning of the documentation.  Upon being expelled, I had to locate and register her in another preschool.  There she appeared to be a different child for a matter of three months and then the mean, dispruptive child reappeared.   She was four-years-old.  Many instances occurred.  She kicked a teacher, was dispruptive in class, hitting other students and running away from the teachers. I even went so far as to have a police officer come speak to her and there was no fear.  She could care less.  The same is true for any kind of person of authority.  Finally, at this time, the doctor diagnosed her as ADHD and put her on a medication to control the behavior.  It was called Daytrana and it was a skin patch.  This seemed to control the behavior to a degree but she was lethargic, tired and had no appetite.  She was upgraded to Focalin XR, which was a pill but she still had the side effects. 

She entered into kindergarten medicated.  She seemed to do well until my mother was diagnosed and passed away from pancreatic cancer.  It was all downhill from there......  There was an instance where she attempted to stab another student with a pencil and had violent tantrums in the classroom.  It was to the point that I was begging for someone to help me.  I asked the school to get me assistance.  They were just looking at it like a behavior problem and would call me everytime an outburst happened. 

This behavior continued on through first, second and third grade.  Less of the physical outbursts but still very defiant and mouthy with the staff and other adults.  She experienced migraines frequently so I made an appointment with a neurologist.  After an hour long meeting, the doctor suggested that the initial diagnosis of ADHD may have been incorrect.  That was the first time the term Bipolar Disorder was used.  The lightbulb went off....  It explained so much!!!

In Florida, with no medical insurance sufficient to cover the costs or enough money to pay the $50 per visit cost.... we struggled through the bad behavior.  My daughter is in the fourth grade and is still exhibiting these behaviors.  In fact, it has reached a new high ----  she punched me in the stomach this morning!! 

I have grown to resent my child.  I am fearful of her mood swings and sad that I do not want her in my home.  This has caused so many issues in my home with myself, my husband and a younger child.  I am trying to focus on getting HELP but it just seems that I have no motivation to continue this fight.  I find myself thinking that she has ruined my life.  I know its not her fault..... I am fully aware that there is a disability that is  causing all of this but it is so hard to differentiate it from her!!!   

I really hope that relief comes soon because I am not capable of continuing on this way!! 

What is a 'bad' word?!!

We all get to a point, even the meek, that we are forced to say words to release pent up frustrations.  We all have a favorite one too.  Mine, I am embarrassed to say, is asshole.  My husband loves to use the 'fuck' word.  It tends to punctuate sentences... it becomes an adjective.... sometimes the word itself is the same as if you spoke an entire sentence. 

When you have children, you want to be the perfect role model and never use these words in their presence.  I haven't been following this guideline very well.  I swear at every chance I get.  When my husband and I are having a conversation it sounds as if we are two gutter-mouthed, truck drivers discussing our latest conquest at a whore-house.  I guess it would be fair to say that our children never had a chance.

The other day, my kids and I were playing around in the bed.... tickling each other and giggling.  I pinned The Other One under my leg and The Little One was very upset.  She wanted to protect her big sister and save her from the Demon Mom.  She climbed my back and tried to pull me off of her sister.  She pulled effortlessly on my arms and when she realized that I wasn't budging .....that's when it happened.  My baby called me an Ass Grow.  She said it over and over without any remorse.  She wanted me off of her sister and was going to use every weapon in her arsenal.  After nearly collapsing from the shock and giggling hysterically, I asked her to repeat it again.  "You're an ass grow."  She was definitely serious.  I had to tell her that Ass was the bad word.  Her eyes grew in astonishment and she said, "Oh... I'm sorry, Mommy." 

What can I say to her?  She has been a victim of such colorful language for her entire life and it never phased her before.  She found herself in a situation that her physical strength wasn't going to overpower me so she did what any normal human being would do.... cuss me out!!!  I commend her on her wit but how do I eradicate this misguided teaching?

Only a few months ago she was 'beeping' her bad language.  She told her sister that she was a 'beep', but I guess the effect was lost with the beep.  Somewhere along the line she decided that she was going to find a more resourceful way to voice her version of this vulgarity that we call talking in our home.  Everyday she asks me if blank is a bad word; or can she say blank.  Some days she asks me to run through the list of 'bad words' so she can ask me if, in fact, it is a bad word.  Then, after determining that said word is bad, she continues to tell me that she will be able to say it in her own home when she gets big. 

The Other One grew up the same way and never had an interest in potty mouth.  I can't remember a time that she said a word that even resembled a dirty word.  She's nine and I think I heard her say 'hell' for the first time yesterday!!  I assumed that desensitization was the key to prevent our children from having such a horrible vocabulary.  I guess I was wrong.  Each child has adapted their own way of dealing.

I would like to say that we have learned our lesson and cleaned up our language but as nice as it sounds I regret to inform you that we are still prone to cussing as a way of communication.  The only time that we refrain from saying the most vulgar of words is in the presence of my husband's 82-year-old grandmother and my mother-in-law.  Shit is among the acceptable words.... so we make due. 

Thanks to my four-year-old, I have added AssGrow to my list of choice words.........

My new life in Canada is sizing up to be what any other life anywhere else would be.... LIFE!!  It has all the same plot twists, adventures and drama that any other life would have.  Whenever there is family involved (no matter whose it is) you can bet drama will ensue. 

I'm happy to say that after nearly 17 years married, for the first time, I am extremely in love with my husband.  I am learning to maneuver around his idiosyncrasies, which would sometimes make me a stunt woman!!  What normally would cause a huge breakdown in our relationship has been diminished in nano-seconds.  Our desire to tear each other down has been removed from the equation.  Life is just a simple as life can be - right now. 

Enter Family --  where drama left off in our previous life, family revitalizes for us in this one. 

My intentions are not to offend anyone but it seems that whenever others are involved in your life or insist on involving you in theirs'.....  the outcome is usually, if not definitely, DRAMA!!  Drama always takes on a life of its own once it begins and there is always that ONE person that you can count on for getting the ball rolling.  In my family, my mom had a lovely way of constantly pitting my brothers and myself against one another.  Not because she wanted us to hate each other but she really didn't have anyone to tell her problems to and 99% of her problems were us kids!!  As any loving child should, we would run to the rescue of our mother and defend her honor to the child that was 'in her sights' at that moment. 

Now that Mom has passed, I find it is much simpler without the arguing but without her we have no relationship at all.  Our common ground was our Mother and complaining about the way she was always making us look bad to each other.  Now our only common ground is missing her.  That separates us more than bringing us together. 

Needless to say, every family has its own dynamic and let's just say not everyone gets along.  My birth sign suggests that I try to keep everyone happy and maintain balance (Libra / Scales) but sometimes I get caught up in the moment and my mouth tends to override my brain.  There is also the time when something I say is taken totally out of context and blown out of proportion.  I never want to be in any one's cross hairs when the proverbial shit hits the fan!!  I don't handle controversy well. 

The holidays are soon upon us and families will gather...........putting aside all the drama from the year and smiling with one another; forgetting any animosities.  This time of year makes me long for the days when I was confronting my brother for causing my mother stress and gathering together at her request to smile and forget our disagreements. 

Cheers to the drama for it brings families together..