Blaming myself!!

I usually take a serious situation and turn it into a joke but I can't do that now.  I am dealing with an issue that is devouring me and my family.  My nine-year-old daughter has turned me inside out.  I have dealt with her behavior problems since she was two and in daycare. I used to blame myself for poor parenting skills.

I will take you through a brief history of our roller coaster ride that we call "OUR LIFE"...... 

At two-years-old, I was continuously called by the preschool teacher to be informed that she had been biting and scratching her classmates.  This appeared to be 'normal' behavior of a toddler. 

Between three and four-years-old, I was notified that my daughter was the ringleader of a group of children in the restroom taking off their clothes and showing each other their 'parts'.  For this, she was expelled. 

I brought this behavior to the attention of her pediatrician.  The beginning of the documentation.  Upon being expelled, I had to locate and register her in another preschool.  There she appeared to be a different child for a matter of three months and then the mean, dispruptive child reappeared.   She was four-years-old.  Many instances occurred.  She kicked a teacher, was dispruptive in class, hitting other students and running away from the teachers. I even went so far as to have a police officer come speak to her and there was no fear.  She could care less.  The same is true for any kind of person of authority.  Finally, at this time, the doctor diagnosed her as ADHD and put her on a medication to control the behavior.  It was called Daytrana and it was a skin patch.  This seemed to control the behavior to a degree but she was lethargic, tired and had no appetite.  She was upgraded to Focalin XR, which was a pill but she still had the side effects. 

She entered into kindergarten medicated.  She seemed to do well until my mother was diagnosed and passed away from pancreatic cancer.  It was all downhill from there......  There was an instance where she attempted to stab another student with a pencil and had violent tantrums in the classroom.  It was to the point that I was begging for someone to help me.  I asked the school to get me assistance.  They were just looking at it like a behavior problem and would call me everytime an outburst happened. 

This behavior continued on through first, second and third grade.  Less of the physical outbursts but still very defiant and mouthy with the staff and other adults.  She experienced migraines frequently so I made an appointment with a neurologist.  After an hour long meeting, the doctor suggested that the initial diagnosis of ADHD may have been incorrect.  That was the first time the term Bipolar Disorder was used.  The lightbulb went off....  It explained so much!!!

In Florida, with no medical insurance sufficient to cover the costs or enough money to pay the $50 per visit cost.... we struggled through the bad behavior.  My daughter is in the fourth grade and is still exhibiting these behaviors.  In fact, it has reached a new high ----  she punched me in the stomach this morning!! 

I have grown to resent my child.  I am fearful of her mood swings and sad that I do not want her in my home.  This has caused so many issues in my home with myself, my husband and a younger child.  I am trying to focus on getting HELP but it just seems that I have no motivation to continue this fight.  I find myself thinking that she has ruined my life.  I know its not her fault..... I am fully aware that there is a disability that is  causing all of this but it is so hard to differentiate it from her!!!   

I really hope that relief comes soon because I am not capable of continuing on this way!!