another year older

I thought I would wake up to breakfast in bed, flowers and balloons. Everyone would be smiling and getting along. HA! Is this my first day in this family?

I got up at 8 because I couldn't sleep anymore. Soon after The Little One was waking as well. She wanted Easy Mac for breakfast. What the hell, I said... it's easy and it's my birthday!! So, as I am making her delicious meal I say "it's my birthday today". She looks at me with disgust and says "AGAIN?" Well.... hello to you to!!

The Other One drug herself out of bed at 9:45 with an attitude. After about 20 minutes of complaining and looking like she hates life she says "Oh, happy birthday Mommy." then like she remembered something "Is Daddy up yet?" My better/other half was sleeping in because he celebrated my birthday eve better than I did!!

When the entire brood was finally awake my husband took the kids out for a little bit. That was extremely nice since I can't really remember the last time that I showered without someone storming in to pee or ask me a question. They returned with a pair of boots that I drooled on the day before.

My daughter, The Other One, has a hard time sharing the spotlight so when it has to do with celebrating me she tries really hard to mess it up for me. She comes down the street with boots in hand waving them around for the entire neighborhood to see. Nice.... because it isn't a surprise for me so why not spoil it for them too. My husband looks as though someone shot his dog. I ask him what's wrong and he points at the kids. Ahhhhh... I totally understand.

I proceed to cook myself my celebratory dinner which is lasagna. I figured that the love of my life would make the effort and supervise the cupcake preparation with the kids..... NOOOOO... I had to push him over the edge by getting all of the ingredients and kick the birdie out of the nest. This project turns into arguing because both of my children think that they are grown and can do whatever they want. If one wasn't storming off - the other was!! It got to the point that The Other One decides to tell me that she didn't get me a gift. Happy Birthday to me.

I finished the cupcakes and assembled the lasagna alone. Hubby went about some household chores that only he could do. The kids.... well, they did what they do best - tell on each other, yell and scream!!

I'm at a loss. Since when is asking for a peaceful day a bad thing? Well, I do have to admit that it has been better than most birthdays. Sometimes you just have to be thankful for what you DO have. One day I will think back and miss all the bickering!! Right now - I can do without it.

Is it ever going to be a good time?

The other day 'The Other One' came home from school, as she normally does, drops all of her belongings on the living room floor and sets out to find endless snacks before starting her homework.  I listen with a fake sense of interest as she regales me with stories of Elementary school drama.  As I listen, I start emptying her lunch box which consisted of a melted freezer pack, crushed crackers and a piece of paper.  The dampness of the melted freezer pack caused the cracker crumbs to become a gooey substance that covered the inside of the lunch box.  I'm grossed out and wondering what possessed her to crush the crackers instead of eating them.  She is still going on and on about her school chums and I am still feigning interest.  I start to open the folded piece of paper and begin reading it:  Dear You - it begins.  I'm sorry that I ran away from you today but I was shy.  (WHAT?!! Keep reading Mom) If you really want to talk to me again tell Bridget and I may be under the tree.  I love you.  (OH-MYYYY-GAWD!!! OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!!)  At the bottom of this lovely letter are colorful hearts.  I need to tell you that I am paraphrasing from memory because the instant that it was discovered what it was I was actually reading, the item was confiscated and never seen again. 

At this point I am shocked!!  Maybe not shocked.... angry?  No.  I don't know how to describe the actual emotion.  My initial instinct was to yell but I composed myself and thought that yelling only makes her shut down.  I know she likes boys.  It isn't like I don't see Justin Bieber everyday because he's plastered on her bedroom wall.  Or the older boy last year that passed us at the bus stop that she would always stare at.  I am fully aware that her hormones have taken over but I wasn't prepared to deal with LOVE LETTERS!! 

When I was 14 and started 'liking boys' my mom decided that she being a single mom and working all of the time couldn't watch over me and my raging hormones the way I needed.  So she passed me off to my dad and his wife.  Mom, it didn't work.  I was EXTREMELY hormonal there!!  A lot of my "firsts" happened while I was under my dad's care.  Way to go, Dad!! 

My daughter is going through a lot of changes and I am fully aware of them all.  She is sprouting hair and having break outs.  Her attitude goes from timid nine-year-old to raging bitch in 0.9 seconds flat.  She isn't like other nine-year-old's that care only about playing and what's on tv.  No, not my daughter... she has blonde highlights in her dark brown hair.  She refuses to get a hair cut because she loves her long hair.  She obsesses over her clothes- even if her dad and I think she looks like a hobo. It is her style and it has to be just right.  Girls her age are asking for dolls and video games for presents - The Other One prefers perfume, makeup and jewelry. 

On to the matter-at-hand ----She was in shock! "Give me that, Mommy.  It's a page from my diary."  I can't believe this kid thinks I'm that stupid.  Is she serious?  Okay... get yourself together, Mom...  I started asking questions.  Who is this kid?  Why are you sending him notes? As she pointed out, she didn't send it.  That's why it was still in her lunch box.   WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?  I'll tell you what I did... after persistent begging not to tell Daddy (which I did, secretly) I told her that I never want another one of these written again.  I had to use my Jedi Mom Tricks..  I told her "you know that you always get caught so just don't do it" 

I am just not ready.  Not ready to let my nine-year-old enter the world of heartbreaks even if they are only playground ones.  Sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have had boys.  I think boys are easier to raise.  It all goes back to the 'curse'.  I pray that The Little One doesn't discover boys until she's 23 and has a sturdy idea of who she is and what she wants to be.  I have to be careful because I could be inviting a whole new set of problems onto myself. 

I'd like to recommend....

I am constantly on the lookout for new music to upload to my ipod.  Music defines my life.  I have a passion for it.  I sing like a tone deaf Holstein cow and have the rhythm of an epileptic having a seizure but I still enjoy singing out loud and dancing whenever I get a chance!!  No matter what is going on in your life I bet there's a song that you can relate to at that moment.  I love all kinds of music and could spend hours listening............  

So here are a few artists that I'd like to recommend listening to: 

Priscilla Renea is a girl from South Florida.  I like her fresh approach and that she has a very beautiful voice.  I can really get behind her music and hope that this girl goes very far......
Citizen Cope is so soulful..... I am going to be completely honest - I could not believe that he was white!!  Easy listening...  Love it!!
Bruno Mars - we have all heard him featured on several other albums but his solo stuff is really good.  I love his voice.  So pure and talented.  Don't let his recent drug arrest deter you from listening. 

The NY Post also has a list of recommended artists to watch.  I like Nneka, Spencer Day, Kimberly Caldwell (American Idol alum) and April Smith & The Great Picture Show. 

Oh, and I almost forgot.....  the BESTEST cover band EVER!!!   The Swinging Richards.....  It was always the best weekend that started with seeing these guys perform at Murphy's Law @ The Hard Rock Hotel & Casino - Hollywood, FL.  Start off the night at Wet Willie's with a Call-A-Cab and head on over to Murphy's to get your music on.  These guys rocked!! 

Whether you're just passing through or are an avid reader, please send me some suggestions.  I am very open-minded and appreciate being introduced to new music.  Maybe you'd like to promote your band or a friend's band.  Go ahead.... 

It's the end of the world as we know it...

Mom has fallen ill!!!!  Struck down by a common cold.  My ears are clogged and therefore causing my equilibrium to be off.  My head is congested, sinuses are in agony and the relentless sneezing is unbearable.  I feel horrible but I must push forward.  I apologize in advance for any ramblings or incoherent statements.  They are drug and illness induced and I should not be held accountable. 

For the last few days my eyes fly open at 4:48 a.m.  I lay there contemplating the meaning of this for a few minutes and then my bladder starts bellowing its complaints.  So, I shuffle off to the bathroom where there I continue my evaluation of what is causing me to wake up at the same time over the course of the last few days. I came up with nothing but my mind wasn't about to let it go.  Back to my bed I shuffle and when it seems that I just got comfortable and fallen into a deep sleep - the alarm starts its morning routine...   I only hit the snooze once this morning but I really wasn't ready to start my day. 

I'm getting older and my body parts aren't all in working condition this early in the morning, so when I say 'shuffle' that's exactly what I do.  I shuffled into 'The Den of the Damned" (kids' room) to wake 'The Other One'.  That's our affectionate nickname for the oldest.  The youngest is 'The Little One'.  It's usually a fight to get her out of bed but she was actually decent this morning.  Now that she's up and beginning her routine, off to the kitchen I go to pack lunches for her and her Dad. 

Whew ... this morning is going off without a hitch.  Oops, thought that too soon.  Here comes 'The Little One' sleepily side stepping her way into the living room.  "Can I go to the bus stop with you guys?"  Ugh...  I have to dress her now too.  We did it!!  All of us ready in time for the bus.  Down the stairs we head to wait on the corner in 48 degree weather.  My body is protesting at this point.  Letting me know how desperately it just wants to crawl back under the covers and hibernate.  Oh, good.... the bus is a little early today.  7:30 instead of 7:32 - what luck!!   The whole time I am having an inner conversation with my body.  "Just down the block, up the stairs and into the house.  Not much further now.  Here we go.  You're doing great!  Just take off your shoes and hit the couch." 

I was able to sleep until my hubby got up for work. An hour, I think.  Although, while I was sleeping on the couch, The Little One was curled up behind my knees and I swear she was doing gymnastics while I was sleeping.   I'm up now with no motivation to do anything.  Thankfully I finished the laundry yesterday.  I tried begging my hubby to stay home from work to care for me but of course he used the whole 'We have bills to pay' defense on me. 

Oh, and I am home all day with my four-year-old (who also has a cold) and since I have no desire to occupy myself with any other activity I am subjected to child programming all day.  Being sick is just a cruel and unjust punishment on mothers.  I always think of that cold medicine commercial where the mom is sick.  The dad and kids are making themselves breakfast and destroying the kitchen.  Mom gets up, takes her medicine and goes in to face the disaster that is her family.   I took medicine but I still don't want to face these animals. 

I wonder how they will fare without my assistance?  ~giggles~  There is no way.  As much as I love him, the hubby would abandon us if he was left to deal with these kids himself.  So, I'll just lay here for a while longer and recuperate from this exerting blog.  By the time The Other One gets out of school, I should be able to force myself to start preparing supper.....   HOPEFULLY!! 

Here are some articles that gave me a little chuckle.   In my house, I am not allowed to be sick.  My hubby believes that only he is entitled to that privilege.  Not that he is insensitive (okay - maybe he is) but its just that he thinks that I am a hypochondriac (okay - I am) and when I get sick he thinks that I am exaggerating (sometimes I am).

When Mommy is Sick
When Mommy Gets Sick

This has been exhausting............... I shall attach my body to the sofa and put The Little One on Playhouse Disney.com or Nick Jr.com and that will occupy for a few hours while I recuperate. 

Let's play... Getting to Know Your Blogger

I did this on Facebook where you had to put down 25 Random Facts About Yourself.......Although, not many participated I thought it was a good idea to get to know your friends in a different light.  I'm breathing life back into this idea. 

1. I am an original, true Floridian - born and raised and recently moved to Canada.  Montreal is nice, the language barrier is frustrating and the change of seasons is awesome!


2. After my brother divorced his wife, she and I remained very close.


3. My favorite method of communication is screaming and yelling.  I hate that I do it, but I don't know how to stop.  My mother was a yeller and I guess you can call me Old Yeller!!  Oh, that was corny. 


4. I'm a tattoo addict.  I would be Kat Von D and covered in ink but I often think what will this look like when I'm 60. 


5. Although I would deny it if ever asked, I am truly a southerner!! I eat sausage gravy and biscuits
every chance I get!!


6. My personality allows me to make friends easily, but my lack of self esteem doesn't help in keeping
them.


7. I regret not being a better daughter to my mother.


8. Secretly wish that I had a dirty job that involved outdoor activities.  In fact, any job would be nice right now.  This transitional period while waiting for our immigration is driving me insane. 


9. Forgives easily and forgets nothing!!!


10. I have a hard time moving forward when I can blame myself and live in the past.


11. I have a hard time thinking positive - the glass is half empty, never half full!! Unless there is liquor in said glass....  then the glass is always full but on its way to being empty!!


12. I love to laugh and enjoy imitating voices or making jokes. I believe that is my security blanket.  I hide behind the jokes because I am afraid to face my pain.


13. I long to be skinny!! I am a skinny bitch that a fat lady ate!!!


14. Wishes to have the ability to stand up for myself at any given time to say no and to make my own
decisions! Would someone tell me when I can do that?!!


15. Fearful that I am not a good enough mother.  I am really, truly trying to be a good one but at times it is very hard. 


16. Has a niece that is 20 years old that I haven't seen since she was 6 and really wish that my brother
hadn't made the mistakes that he made that caused her to be taken from our family.


17. DYSFUNCTIONAL - is a word that describes my family!!


18.  I regret not having the opportunity to be closer to my mother's family.  I have so many family members that I have never met or haven't seen in many years.  All of whom are very gifted and worth knowing. 
19. I am a hypochondriac.......  If there is a symptom - I have diagnosed myself with the most severe disease ever and think I am dying from said disease. 


20. I never had a cast.  Broke my nose once though...


21. My support group consists of a small group of women that each contribute something to me with their different personalities.  I love each of them and call them my FAMILY!!!   N, A, K & K!!


22. I am extremely attracted to men with tattoos and piercings.  I guess the 'bad boy' is always my weakness. 


23. I am disgusted by alcohol/drug abuse. I've seen it ruin lives up close.


24. I dream about making better memories for my kids.  I want them to have the best childhood ever although when referring to #15, I have to work on my parenting skills. 
25. I am a dog lover but I hate walking them and feeding them.  I hate cats.  They are so evil and self absorbed.  Blecchh!!

The Bearded Lady at the Carnival.....

All of us at some time or another have felt like the Bearded Lady.... and I don't mean just because a few of us have unwanted facial hair. A better description may be like a three-headed monster. That no matter how we try to blend in, we stand out like a sore thumb. Well, welcome to my Week From Hell... (insert dramatic music here)

I'm not a small woman by any means. I'm not sure who to thank for my height or my generous breasts but I would like to thank Little Debbie, McDonald's and all others for my curvaceous body. Being a plus sized woman usually draws attention anyway but for some reason Mother Nature decided to play a cruel joke on me and give me my 'monthly' for THREE weeks. As if that weren't enough let's top it off with a cold sore the size of my face and a zit that looks like I got punched on the side of my nose. The combination of all of this makes me feel like the Elephant Man.  Needless to say, I will remain indoors for the duration.  At least until these defects disappear. 

Everyday my "KK" stares at the cold sore and tells me that my boo boo is red and is getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger.  Wow... so much for self esteem.  I'm fortunate enough that I don't really have to show my face in public.  No one will be frightened by the horror that reflects back at me in the mornings.  Morning is the ONLY time I allow myself to look in the mirror because the cold sore is reminiscent of the zit on Family Guy that forces Chris to do all kinds of evil acts. No sense subjecting myself to the horror more than once a day.  I wonder if I should name this virus.  I don't really want to be friendly with it and make it comfortable... the sooner it leaves, the better!!  It wouldn't be so bad if I were at a carnival and collecting a paycheck for allowing others to view my oddities. 

Bearded Ladies unite!!  After my face heals.............  group rates at the local laser hair removal center may be in order.

Waving good bye to summer!!

It is almost a year since my kids and I arrived in Canada.   When I exited the airport in December, 2009, there was snow on the ground and a bitter chill in the air.  This isn't Kansas anymore, Dorothy - I thought.  In Florida, there is year round summer and the occassional cool down that they like to refer to as WINTER!!!  

I remember calling my husband at work in tears to tell him that this God awful place has no sunlight.  Where is the sun?!!  On what planet does the sun go down at 3 pm?  After laughing he explained that this is what happens during the winter.  Don't worry, he told me, it is only temporary. 

The day that the snow melted and the sun started warming up the earth was momentous for me.  I opened the windows, took walks to Grandma's house and smiled again.  Our weather was soon mirroring Florida's weather.  Too hot for this place though.  No central a/c and no ocean breezes.  I found myself calling my husband again saying that the sun won't go down.  My kids are becoming zombies from lack of sleep.  The sun going down is a sign to their little bodies that bedtime soon approaches.  Here it is 9 o'clock and the sun is STILL UP!!  I am being tortured by Mother Nature in this foreign land. 

Gradually, the sun started going down at a decent hour and just in time for Jaz to start back to school.  Since she has a bedtime, her body will recognize that now since the sun is going to sleep too.  Just as the warm sun starts to go down so does the temperature.  This is my first experience with seasons.  Well, more seasons than just summer and Indian Summer!!  Florida hasn't many seasons to speak of. 

Watching the trees go from dead and bare to lush and green has been such a joy to my senses.  I find myself looking forward to the fluffy white stuff on the ground again.  Anticipating putting on coats, hats and scarves again.  Just knowing that after this it will be spring again makes suffering through the lack of sunlight bearable.

I'm likening the changing of seasons to my battle with depression.  It's been 3 years since I lost the only person that I ever really loved more than my kids.  Depression has been a first and foremost in my life for the duration but it has come time to say good bye.  If we were forced to live through winter with no hope of spring, summer or fall it would be doom and gloom.  Thankfully, there are changes in seasons.  My mourning season is over.  Much like saying good bye to summer - I am saying good bye to my grief!!  

Time has come to live my life and celebrate the woman that my mother created!!  Someone break out the balloons and noise makers....  we're having a party!!

Momma said there'd be days like this..........

The girls

The image you see above appears to be two darling little girls.  Sugar n' spice & everything nice....  NOT!! 

It was my lifelong ambition to be a mother.  To have someone to love and love me back unconditionally.  When my husband and I married it wasn't something that we discussed at any length.  I wanted kids but he......... well, not so much.  Every month my period would be late and I would be hopeful.  Anxiously watching the calendar hoping the full month would pass and I could take a pregnancy test.  I was never able to wait long.  I would break down and buy the test.  The test would be negative, I would cry and then Mother Nature would rear her ugly head.  My marriage was no 'Leave it to Beaver' episode either. My husband and I are like warring countries. We love each other so much that even our fights are passionate (and not in a sexual way). We have been on again, off again for the last 17 years.

This process went on for nearly four years. So, during one of our 'on again' moments I decided that I wanted to know why we weren't conceiving.  What was wrong?  Why couldn't I bring another life into this world that would have my husband's eyes and my long fingers?  Was I broken?  Was my husband broken?  Had I been that bad of a person that I wasn't deemed fit to be a mother?  All these questions were running through my head.  The doctor that I went to see, Dr. Ans, said that a simple exploratory procedure would give me the answers that I was looking for.    The procedure involved putting me to sleep, filling my stomach with gas, tilting the table so that my organs would fall forward and making three small incisions across my bikini line and a not-so-small one in my belly button.  The recovery was hellacious!!  The verdict?  Adhesion in my uterus that she removed.  "You should be pregnant in three months" she says. 

Two years later I woke up feeling really crappy.  I called my job and told them that I had a stomach virus because I wasn't able to keep anything down.  My aunt brought me a pregnancy test.  When I got the positive result I wasn't sure what to do.  I immediately went to my mom's job and told her first.  My husband, Chris, wasn't so happy but I wasn't going to let that bring me down.  That was August, 2000.  On April 17th, 2001 Jazmin Nycole blessed us with her presence with a full head of black hair, black eyes and olive skin. 

 I was thinking that becoming a mother would be the greatest reward for living that any woman could ever receive.  I was blessed with an angel and loved every inch of her. 

Flashback -- I'm fourteen-years-old and have begun running away from home, talking to boys and becoming defiant.  My single mother decides she has had enough and has already called my remarried father to take me.  During one of our arguments, my mother yells, "I hope you have children that are ten times worse than you".....   It was so harmless at the time.  What could possibly come of this statement?  She's crazy, I thought, laughing at the idea.  My father came and got me and I went to live with him and his wife.  I was the model child.  I had to work to buy my own school clothes, Christmas presents, toiletries, etc.  I babysat, cleaned houses and offices with my stepmother and anything else that earned me some cash.  I did my chores after school, homework and never talked on the phone.  I also joined the church choir. I guess I wasn't good enough because one fateful day my stepmother was angry with me and says "I hope you have children that are ten times worse than you".  Is this for real?  Is this something that women say to kids when they don't have anything else to say?  I don't get what it meant.  At fourteen, I didn't really give it much thought though. 

Looking back I realize that I was cursed.  Yes, cursed!!  You can believe what you want to but I know for a fact that I was cursed not once but twice.  My mother knew what she was doing.  She said those words to me knowing full well what the outcome would be.  Later, my mother admitted that her mother had cursed her also. 

So, now I am blessed with two little girls.  Five years after Jazmin came Kaylie Marissa.  Born to us on June, 23, 2006, and the spitting image of her sister.  They even weighed the same at birth.  Two little girls of my own to love and to love me unconditionally.  HA!   There are days when I wonder what possessed me to want children. 

It hasn't been confirmed but Jazmin shows a lot of symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.  She originally was diagnosed with ADHD but her neurologist believes that it may have been a misdiagnosis.  Bipolar often presents itself as ADHD and the meds for that had really bad side effects.  She is combative with her sister and everyday is like WW III.  There is constant screaming, kicking, yelling and cussing.  Sometimes the kids do that stuff too!  Seriously.........   I suffer from Caregiver Burnout.   Ladies, don't use this to get out of doing the laundry or cooking dinner for the week.  I've tried and it doesn't work. 

My mother was Jazmin's biggest fan.  The two of them would fight like cats and dogs, but my mother would do/buy/give anything to her.  I would complain that I can't take it anymore and tell my mother that I was going to put her up for adoption.  My mother, knowing she cursed me, would tell me that Jazmin was 'different'.  Even when my mother was doped up on methadone and fading in and out of conciseness she heard me having to punish her and she called me to her room to tell me 'be patient.........she's different'. 

I'm not blaming my mother but I believe that my children would have been perfect little angels had it not been for that damned curse.  She knew what she was doing when she did it. God rest her soul, if she were alive, she would be raising them RIGHT NOW!!!

So, to all the mothers out there thinking of doing this to your children.  Please, I implore you, DON'T!!  It isn't necessary.  The world provides us with enough evil and wrong-doing that we don't need it in our own homes.  Love your kids............   I say this jokingly because I know my mother loved me.  I'm sure that she is looking down on us and shaking her head wishing she could take it back.  That's okay, Momma...  just work your magic from up there and help me raise them!!  I love you!

Making a brand new ending.....

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start;
Anyone can start from now and make a brand new end. 

I stumbled across this tidbit of information that I had written on a piece of paper, torn from my journal and stashed away in a tote underneath a million pounds of other tidbits of memorabilia that I have hoarded over the last several years.  Seems like the universe is trying to tell me something.  As usual, I'm not listening. 

My kids and I moved to Canada to join my husband and his family recently for what we thought to be a 'brand new start'...........   Who knew we were doing it wrong?  We're supposed to be making a 'brand new end' instead.  Part of this process involves sorting through our previous existence and ridding ourselves of dead weight.  I ventured into this project this morning and got lost in the memories and endless amounts of crap.  Hair clippings from first haircuts, stickers for projects that I have yet to begin and artwork dating back to when my now 9-year-old was in preschool.  Also, amongst the nonsense that defines my life, was a card that I had bought my mother upon finding out she was terminal, a hospital bracelet from one of the many times she was hospitalized, a card that she gave to my oldest for Valentine's Day and a letter that she wrote to her family upon missing yet another family reunion. 

My mother passed away on March 20th, 2007, after a short battle with pancreatic cancer.  I say short because even though she was in pain for years, she never made an appointment to have herself examined.  She had battled breast cancer and ultimately won but not without casualties.  She lost her left breast and many lymph nodes too.  Leaving her less of a woman in her eyes.  She refused to be diagnosed with yet another life-threatening illness.  Later, my aunt informed me, that during a brief visit with her and another sister my mother admitted to thinking she was riddled with cancer.  Not long after that, we were losing her. 

So, among all the THINGS that I have accumulated throughout the years and can't stand to part with, I have also inherited my mother's things.  It has been a slow process but I am coming to terms with letting things go.  They are, after all, only things.  It's not like the blood pressure monitor that I have buried away in the closet is going to one day hop out and hug me saying all will be alright.  Maybe it's the countless times my mother would say "When I'm gone you are going to just throw my crap away".   I'm not going to lie, many of her 'treasures' I would often question the validity of keeping them while she was alive. 

Needless to say, in the end, they are just that - THINGS!!  Inanimate objects that are incapable of showing love or emotion.  They hold a memory of a person, place or idea.  I'm not ready to let go of everything but I am relieving my load just a little bit.  Maybe this cleansing will help me mentally as well.  I know that my husband will appreciate the fact that I am finally making room in the closet!! 

Anyone want to buy a slightly used blood pressure monitor?