Momma said there'd be days like this..........

The girls

The image you see above appears to be two darling little girls.  Sugar n' spice & everything nice....  NOT!! 

It was my lifelong ambition to be a mother.  To have someone to love and love me back unconditionally.  When my husband and I married it wasn't something that we discussed at any length.  I wanted kids but he......... well, not so much.  Every month my period would be late and I would be hopeful.  Anxiously watching the calendar hoping the full month would pass and I could take a pregnancy test.  I was never able to wait long.  I would break down and buy the test.  The test would be negative, I would cry and then Mother Nature would rear her ugly head.  My marriage was no 'Leave it to Beaver' episode either. My husband and I are like warring countries. We love each other so much that even our fights are passionate (and not in a sexual way). We have been on again, off again for the last 17 years.

This process went on for nearly four years. So, during one of our 'on again' moments I decided that I wanted to know why we weren't conceiving.  What was wrong?  Why couldn't I bring another life into this world that would have my husband's eyes and my long fingers?  Was I broken?  Was my husband broken?  Had I been that bad of a person that I wasn't deemed fit to be a mother?  All these questions were running through my head.  The doctor that I went to see, Dr. Ans, said that a simple exploratory procedure would give me the answers that I was looking for.    The procedure involved putting me to sleep, filling my stomach with gas, tilting the table so that my organs would fall forward and making three small incisions across my bikini line and a not-so-small one in my belly button.  The recovery was hellacious!!  The verdict?  Adhesion in my uterus that she removed.  "You should be pregnant in three months" she says. 

Two years later I woke up feeling really crappy.  I called my job and told them that I had a stomach virus because I wasn't able to keep anything down.  My aunt brought me a pregnancy test.  When I got the positive result I wasn't sure what to do.  I immediately went to my mom's job and told her first.  My husband, Chris, wasn't so happy but I wasn't going to let that bring me down.  That was August, 2000.  On April 17th, 2001 Jazmin Nycole blessed us with her presence with a full head of black hair, black eyes and olive skin. 

 I was thinking that becoming a mother would be the greatest reward for living that any woman could ever receive.  I was blessed with an angel and loved every inch of her. 

Flashback -- I'm fourteen-years-old and have begun running away from home, talking to boys and becoming defiant.  My single mother decides she has had enough and has already called my remarried father to take me.  During one of our arguments, my mother yells, "I hope you have children that are ten times worse than you".....   It was so harmless at the time.  What could possibly come of this statement?  She's crazy, I thought, laughing at the idea.  My father came and got me and I went to live with him and his wife.  I was the model child.  I had to work to buy my own school clothes, Christmas presents, toiletries, etc.  I babysat, cleaned houses and offices with my stepmother and anything else that earned me some cash.  I did my chores after school, homework and never talked on the phone.  I also joined the church choir. I guess I wasn't good enough because one fateful day my stepmother was angry with me and says "I hope you have children that are ten times worse than you".  Is this for real?  Is this something that women say to kids when they don't have anything else to say?  I don't get what it meant.  At fourteen, I didn't really give it much thought though. 

Looking back I realize that I was cursed.  Yes, cursed!!  You can believe what you want to but I know for a fact that I was cursed not once but twice.  My mother knew what she was doing.  She said those words to me knowing full well what the outcome would be.  Later, my mother admitted that her mother had cursed her also. 

So, now I am blessed with two little girls.  Five years after Jazmin came Kaylie Marissa.  Born to us on June, 23, 2006, and the spitting image of her sister.  They even weighed the same at birth.  Two little girls of my own to love and to love me unconditionally.  HA!   There are days when I wonder what possessed me to want children. 

It hasn't been confirmed but Jazmin shows a lot of symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.  She originally was diagnosed with ADHD but her neurologist believes that it may have been a misdiagnosis.  Bipolar often presents itself as ADHD and the meds for that had really bad side effects.  She is combative with her sister and everyday is like WW III.  There is constant screaming, kicking, yelling and cussing.  Sometimes the kids do that stuff too!  Seriously.........   I suffer from Caregiver Burnout.   Ladies, don't use this to get out of doing the laundry or cooking dinner for the week.  I've tried and it doesn't work. 

My mother was Jazmin's biggest fan.  The two of them would fight like cats and dogs, but my mother would do/buy/give anything to her.  I would complain that I can't take it anymore and tell my mother that I was going to put her up for adoption.  My mother, knowing she cursed me, would tell me that Jazmin was 'different'.  Even when my mother was doped up on methadone and fading in and out of conciseness she heard me having to punish her and she called me to her room to tell me 'be patient.........she's different'. 

I'm not blaming my mother but I believe that my children would have been perfect little angels had it not been for that damned curse.  She knew what she was doing when she did it. God rest her soul, if she were alive, she would be raising them RIGHT NOW!!!

So, to all the mothers out there thinking of doing this to your children.  Please, I implore you, DON'T!!  It isn't necessary.  The world provides us with enough evil and wrong-doing that we don't need it in our own homes.  Love your kids............   I say this jokingly because I know my mother loved me.  I'm sure that she is looking down on us and shaking her head wishing she could take it back.  That's okay, Momma...  just work your magic from up there and help me raise them!!  I love you!