Dear Mom:

Last night Kaylie asked me how did God die?  I reached deep within myself to find the proper answer to that question.  Decidedly, I grabbed the bible and the Children's Bible at bedtime and began reading it to her.   I find most religious sects to be of the cult variety but I still believe in God!!  So, where better to spread The Word than from in our own home?!! 

Kaylie and I pray every night as I put her in bed.  It seems that this is the time she wants to ask me about you!  I love that she loves you even though she doesn't really know you.  I love how she is so inquisitive about you.  It makes me feel like I will never forget those special memories because I get to share them with Kaylie so often. 

Jazmin likes to tease Kaylie by saying that she was able to spend more time with you.  Its true but sad that she feels the need to use that special bond that you guys shared to torture her little sister.  I think about that day when you were lying in the bed and you heard me yell at Jazmin.  Your eyes got as big as saucers, you pointed your finger at me and you said "you have to be different with her".  I agree, Mommie.   As much as you loved Jazmin I know you would get a kick out of Kaylie.  She says the funniest things and is such a lover.  

Sometimes I wish that you would have taken me with you like I asked.  I resist the urge to pick up the phone and call you even to this day.  "Get up... you can't sleep all day."  Your scent lingers in my memory along with your voice and the feel of your skin.

It's hard not having you around.  I feel like I'm just floating through this life until we can meet again.  At times, I feel like I am carrying on where you left off.  Some days are hard to get motivated.  Pushing myself to do even the mundane tasks.

You were taken from me too soon.  I know you left a hole in all of our lives but you were my best friend.  Remember that day at Wendy's and I asked you who is going to be my best friend?  You pointed at Jazmin and said "She is."  I need you to work a miracle because we are far from best friends.  We barely get along on good days.

I miss you, Mommie.

I blame t.v. and movies.................

I used to fantasize about being in love when I was younger.  What it would be like to have a husband and some kids.  I would lay in bed and let my thoughts carry me to sleep.  I blame movies and t.v. for setting some unrealistic goals for me in my relationship endeavors.  I wanted it all.  The white picket fence, 2.3 kids, a loving husband and happiness.  I didn't think it was too much to ask.  


I suffered from "Absentee Father" syndrome and tried to compensate by looking for love.   Sadly, I wanted to be in love so bad that I sold myself on the idea before I even knew what love was.   When the stars dulled in my eyes and the clouds seemed to have dumped me on my butt, I found myself in a loveless marriage back where I started.  Dreaming about a real love.  


Why can't life be like a John Hughes movie?  That guy knew what women wanted.  A great love story with all its comical twists and turns.  In the end, the girl always got her man!!  I want a love that would be envied.  I want my man to think of me as much as I think of him.  I am a creature of touch and need to FEEL love.  Holding hands, a gentle kiss, a loving embrace.....  without ME being the one to initiate it.  


The funny thing is is that I have been with guys that really, truly have that character trait in them.  But I guess it wasn't in me to allow myself to be happy.  I keep going back to the one that causes me the most pain.  Somehow, this whole blog thing was supposed to be therapeutic but its only making me feel worse about myself and my decisions.  


Until I am free of this bondage that is my current situation, I will continue dreaming of my John Hughes movie.....  

Welcome Mat .... Please wipe your feet before entering! (warning: self-loathing)

There are lessons to be learned in life.  I am fairly certain that I have multitudes to learn!  Lately, I have been contemplating my purpose.  I haven't quite come to any conclusion either.  After performing a self evaluation, I find that many of my good qualities are qualities that are considered weak!  In a den of lions, I'm sure that I would have been eaten already.
I receive pep talks from my adopted family (friends) whom I prefer to most of my actual family.  In a perfect world, the qualities that I do possess that would have been considered admirable in an era long ago.  I have become a door mat inviting anyone to wipe their feet on me before trampling my self esteem and good nature.
I should have stayed out of the marital problems that certain family members were having but what do you do when they plead with you not to hang up??  As usual, when the dust settles, the marriage is perfect and the interlopers are frowned upon.
My constant need to please everyone and lack of ability to say no have been a giant FAIL!  I have put everyone else first and leave me for last.
Living in a foreign country, in a loveless marriage, with unruly children is a testament to my failure.
Is this the point in the story where I finally wake up to the reality and change my life to live happily ever after? Only in fairy tales.  
My story starts as a young girl born to an alcoholic, adulterer father and manic depressive mother. My parents divorce.  I suffer from "Daddy Issues" and I search for love in any man that would have me. Settling for the first one who would have me indefinitely and is true to the cliche - Just Like Daddy!!  
Blaming myself for all of my partner's faults and enduring years of mental abuse.  As a result, low self esteem! Classic case of an enabler!  Will I pass this gene on to my daughters?  More than likely.... as it was passed along to me by my mother!
In retrospect, I would have stayed out of the family drama. I don't know how but I would have.  Not answering the phone would be a beginning.  But sadly, my need to be there and make everyone happy would prevent me from just letting the phone ring!!
Please, please, please.... just wipe your feet before stomping on my face.

Hope Floats

Accomplishments come in small steps or leaps and bounds.  Lately, I find that even the smallest of accomplishment should be celebrated.  As a South Floridian still trapped in foreign Montreal, I am desperately seeking sanity.  One of the smallest steps toward my independence was obtaining a credit card.  Yes, I am unemployed and have just secured a $1,000 credit limit.....   trusting country that Canada is.  I refuse to abuse this opportunity even though temptation is beckoning me!!

This comes on the heels of a step backward in the immigration process.  It would appear that I may have to have another medical exam because of a missing name on my application.  Ummm, the fact that you received my application in September and began processing it in November says nothing for the fact that you waited until JULY to tell me something was missing. I wouldn't be so upset if the medical exam doesn't expire on the 10th of August and the doctor is on HOLIDAY until MID-AUGUST!!!  

Sorry for yelling ...  I am trying to remain calm but I really want to start working again.  I need adults to talk to   (non-family adults that especially do not live in my house and are not 1,700 miles away).

I recently 'chatted' with my niece via Facebook and have acknowledged that never losing faith, always chasing your dreams and taking leaps of faith are the prescription for getting what you want out of life.  I like this idea and intend on adopting this into my life.  Smile about the funny things even if they come inside of a little despair.  My bad mood is affecting everything around me.

So, if you see me out and about (don't faint in shock first) and I have a stupid smile on my face it is not because I'm crazy (the jury is still out on that) but because I am finding happiness in every little thing.  I have to because there is way to much to be sad about.

It's not you..... It's me!! REALLY!!!

There comes a time in every woman's life that they come to a realization that IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!   I have lived as a codependent enabler far too long.  The Bi-Polar Roller Coaster has come to a stop.  Thank you for riding and watch your step as you disembark!!

Everything is coming up roses....

Just when you think there is a bottom of the pit that I have been sinking in.... someone hands me a shovel!!  Today, I am sitting on the balcony in 84 degree weather (not complaining) while the kids watch a Disney movie (too loud for me) and I blog in peace!!

Recently the postal service in Canada has gone on strike.  This really wouldn't bother me if not for the fact that I am waiting on things to come in the mail.  Diet pills being at the top of my list!!!  Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration.  I am waiting for the pills but most importantly I am waiting for my immigration paperwork.  I am neurotic about checking my status online but there is never anything to check... ugh!!

So, here I sit - feeling sorry for myself, listening to iTunes and typing my sorrows for anyone and everyone to read!!  I'm like the neighbors' cat.  He lays lazily on the driveway, admiring all the freedom around him unable to partake because of the tight leash his owners have bestowed upon him.  This friggin' leash is suffocating me!!

The Little One's birthday is coming....  The big 5 YEARS OLD!!  Where has the time gone??  On her birthday school will be out for the summer and then we will celebrate with their dad's family.  Yay!!  (sarcastic)  Not that I have a problem with any of them....  Maybe that isn't entirely true either.  I prefer not to deal with a few of them and have been enjoying the time not spent with them.  I sacrifice my sanity for the happiness of my children.  So bring on the lunatics!!!  Our official celebration will be when we take our kids to La Ronde (official amusement park of Montreal)!!  Too bad we have to wait for our finances to level out first.  (damned single income family living!!)

There are times when I wish I was back in Florida with my friends and family.  More times than I care to admit.  I have to learn patience and practicality.  Life isn't going to serve itself up on a platter to me.  I have to get out there and take what it has to offer.  Aspire to inspire before you expire.  

So, no diet pills and no immigration papers.....  this is a long month so far.  Hurry up and work out your differences Canada Post!!!  

Don't Blink...

My children are growing so fast.  I have to remind myself to slow down and not rush the process.   I should relish the fact that The Little One wants me to help her put on her pajamas after a shower or braiding The Other One's hair.   In a few, short years they are both going to go their own ways and leave me standing in a trail of dust. 

We recently went to Kindergarten Orientation for The Little One and it was bittersweet.  She was excited to go meet her teacher and play in the classroom.  So excited that she thought the next day she had to go back.  I had to explain to her that she has until September and show her on the calendar when September was in relation to the month we're in.  

This is the last summer that I will spend with them before both of them will be going to school.  I will be buying school supplies from two lists, uniforms for two girls, two backpacks and lunchboxes!

Time has gone by so fast that I shouldn't blink or I'll miss it all.  The Other One is 10 but I have to remember that when dealing with her.  I was recently reminded that she requires a different approach when dealing with her.  I sometimes look at her and think that she is capable of doing many things and forget that she is ONLY 10!!  Hormones and steroids in the food along with my genes have rushed her body into developing prematurely and makes her appear to be 13 years old..........  trouble when it comes to the boys!!! 

What I learned in the past few days is to stop and smell the roses , so to speak!! 

DON'T BLINK!!!!

It's been a while....

Help.... I've fallen and I can't get up!!  Fallen off of blogging, that is!  I haven't had ONE thing to write about and I find that truly sad. 
Let's see.... where do I begin?  Well, summer finally made it here.  Amazing, I know!!
Things are progressing along slowly here in Montreal.  We finally got a letter from Canada asking us to submit an application to Quebec for sponsorship.  Another $253 and we are waiting for the response.  This whole immigration process has taken a lot of time and money but I will be extremely glad when its finalized. 

My baby will be starting kindergarten in September and I am so anxious for her.  She is going to enter into the French Immersion program where they speak 100% in French until grade 3.  Wow....  I keep telling myself that kids are resilient but I am still nervous.  She couldn't care less all she wants is to finally be out of this house and interacting with other kids. 
She stands out on the balcony talking to the neighbor children and it is fun to watch.  She only speaks English and they speak French and/or Spanish.  The conversation goes a little like this "What?", "Huh?", "My hair?" "What?"  "Do you speak Englsih because I speak English?"  Then they usually resort to saying hi back and forth for a little while.  At least she's making an effort.  Yay for "The Little One.

"The Other One" will be starting a day treatment program to help get her behavior in check.  This has been a long time coming.  To hear the school say that if we weren't open to this program she would have been suspended is more than unnerving!  So crossing my fingers that all works out and our dysfunctional little family mends itself. 

We are looking forward to doing a lot of activities this summer since last year we spent the entire time watching t.v.  Look out Montreal... my crazy family will be loose and there is nothing you can do about it!!! 

ADD ------ the monkey on my back!

I had this bright idea once......   It happens sometimes.  It happened when I least expected it.  The day it happened is somewhat of a blur to me because it all happened so fast.  The idea to blog. 

Posting my innermost thoughts and ideas online for all to see .....   what was I thinking? 

I must admit that I am somewhat of a voyeur.  I enjoy poking around inside my fellow blogger's heads!  I feel like a seedy pervert peeking into the windows of their souls unbeknownst to them. I like to think that they don't know - it adds to the seediness.   Wow... this tidbit of honesty makes me feel slightly dirty.   Oh well, moving on! 

So, blogging was to be the motivational mode to catapulting myself into writing.  I think I always wanted to be a writer but never the drive or the focus (ADD truly sucks).  I find myself trudging through the day trying to find things to write about.  As my many 'draft' posts would imply - these ideas never come to fruition.

My thoughts and ideas are scattered like a puzzle dropped on the floor.  Now, if only I had the ability to arrange these pieces in an orderly fashion to be pleasing to the eye.  This and other evidence proves that, beyond a shadow of a doubt,  I have Attention Deficit Disorder!!   My husband is fully aware of my condition and lovingly steps around my piles of swept-up debris waiting to be disposed of and the loads of laundry that have been negectfully forgotten to be put away.  I'm lying when I say 'lovingly'.  My husband abhors my condition.... as do I.  Omega 3's... here I come!!! 

I dream of ideas.  I wake up and think how wonderful this 'story' would be on screen or in print.  I begin writing but the demon ADD creeps up and steals my focus, leaving me wandering aimlessly..... starting new projects to be left unfinished!!  What a tragedy.

If you're out there dealing with this demon, like me, and are comforted knowing that I am suffering with you.... then my job is done!!  

Until I cure myself of this disability, I will continue to wander the halls of my mind and attempt to put as much as I can in print ----- or continue peeking in other's windows, admiring their wit and humor. 

I own my mistakes.

Sometimes I wonder if my life is just a cruel joke being played on me by my Higher Power!!   I just can't imagine that ONE person is fated to live with this much drama in ONE lifetime!! 
I guess it is simpler to blame others for my poor choices, but here I am acknowledging my mistakes. 
My husband is an alcoholic....  Wow!!!  Saying that out loud sure relieves alot of anxiety.  My HUSBAND is an ALCOHOLIC!!  and when he drinks he turns into a very different person.  He becomes someone that doesn't care for anyone else.  It is all about him and that is all that matters.  He tends to stumble through it all by dismissing his actions when he's drunk by saying he doesn't remember any of it.  Ha, ha, ha....  "I didn't know I slept with that woman.... I WAS DRUNK!!" 
I stuck by him throughout his alcoholism and drug addiction.  I put him before my children.  I have given more of myself than I had to give.  What do I receive in return, you ask?  "If you don't like it.... that's too effin' bad!" 
Honestly...  If I were my friend, I would have told me to leave and never look back.  I have offered my own friends that advice.  For some stupid reason I can't do it for myself.
All this bad behavior has had its affects on my children as well.  My oldest treats me like shit under her shoe at nine-years-old because that is how she sees her father treating me. 
I moved to a foreign country in the hopes that I could scrape my family back together.  It would seem that the only thing I did was deplete any means of being able to support myself and handing over full control to a raging alcoholic.  Now, I'm stuck in this stupid place, with a stupid drunk and a mother-in-law that lives to make my life miserable. 
The immigration process has stalled my ability to earn money.  I am at the mercy of this controlling, power-hungry, alcoholic that could care less about me or my feelings. 
When my mom was dying, she called to my husband and asked that he watch over her girls.  She knew that by asking him this it was a gamble.  Making this request of a man that continuously kicked myself and our daughter out of his home so that he could embark on a drug induced orgy. 
What was I thinking by coming here?  I could have done much better on welfare in the state of Florida than to be abused like this. 
They say that God only puts on you what you can handle.  I hope that He hasn't forgotten about me and gone to watch a game somewhere. 
Until I am capable of standing on my own two feet.... I'll be "trapped" in Canada. 

Getting back to GOOD!!

Just when I thought I'd made a breakthrough in the Other One's behavior I get brought back to square one with a phone call from the school.  Anytime the school calls me during the day its never good news.  They want to make me aware of some instance that required action on their part.  I think they will finally give up their plight to get me to feel sorry for them because after I listen to the complaint.... I sigh loudly and begin telling them of my day-to-day scenarios and by the end of the conversation the Guidance Counselor wants to slit his wrists. 
I am going to start a committee responsible for raising money to aid families with 'special needs' children.  I know they exist for handicapped or mentally challenged children but what of the ones that outwardly appear to be normal but are dealing with psychological disorders?  Although we haven't been able to diagnose 'The Other One' with any specific disorder ... I will tell you that I KNOW there is something wrong.  I have researched Bipolar Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Asberger's, Autism and ADHD.  She exhibits symptoms of ALL OF THEM!!!  So, back to the fund raising .....   I think that we need something in place for the parents/caregivers of these children.  I would have definitely benefited from having access to some kind of funding to aid in the evaluation process when we were living in Florida.  Then we come to the parents/caregivers needing a break from dealing with the insanity and babysitters and family members REFUSE to take that child because of their unruly behavior.   I, for one, would have been the first one signed up for that!!!  
Reluctantly, I have to admit that I am not a trained professional and there is only so much Google and webMD  can tell me.  So, here I am .... not-so-patiently awaiting her turn on the waiting list for an evaluation.  Until then..... well.......  I'm not sure what to do until then.  I openly admitted to school staff that my child has often had me contemplating suicide or abandonment!!  I bet this guy wishes he had never called me. 
In the end, I need to make sure that I am mentally stable or else all the walls will come crashing down on all of us.  Not to mention the stress that this much drama and arguing has put on my marriage.  I'm sure my husband is physically exhausted after working all day and then to come home to the constant controversy makes for an unlucky bedfellow!!  Ugh!!  
Did I mention that I do have a silly, happy-go-lucky, four-year-old that keeps me entertained and sometimes balances out the madness???   Yes.... The Little One....   she has a vocabulary all her own!!  Here are some examples:
"Mommy.....  ballerinas dance on their toenails NOT their tippie-toes!!"
"Daddy's side of the bed is 'body stink' and your (Mommy's) side is 'body fresh'."

And let us revisit the whole "AssGrow" incident!! 

Sweet balance....................   errr, at least until The Little One tries to emulate The Other One then the balance shifts and throws us all off course............... AGAIN!!

To be myself.... or NOT to be myself!!!

Ever since I began this adventure here in Canada...   things have never been dull.  I'd like to thank the oldest living -high school-student-that-loves-to-cause-drama-by-starting-gossip-and-rumors.....  Please take a bow Monster-in-law!!!!  

I've mentioned repeatedly that it is really hard getting acclimated to my new home.  Factor in the meddling monster-in-law, financial woes and children with behavioral problems and you have the makings of a Lifetime movie.  Or a therapist's dream!  (Please send anti-depressants)  Well, on one of my limited outings, I met a woman in the park who was very friendly.  We exchanged numbers and talked of meeting at the park again so that our kids could play together.  She never called and I could only assume that she found me offensive in some way.  I never attempted calling her neither because I am never sure how to go about it.  Who does the calling and will it be forward of me to call her first?  Oh well...  

Then I was introduced to my brother-in-law's girlfriend who is extremely sweet and friendly.  She offered to meet me for drinks or coffee any time.  I am still worried that I am invading territory that my brother-in-law would find offensive.  Is there a line that I shouldn't cross by interfering in his relationship by becoming friends with his girlfriend?  Is there a book on friendship etiquette that would explain all the rules? 

So, recently my daughter was invited to a birthday party for one of her friends.  The invitation came by way of a phone call.  To confirm the invitation I was put on the phone with the mother who was very polite.  She began giving me directions relatively fast so I had to slow her down and say that we were from FL and new to town.  She got very excited and told me that she had lived in Miami with her mother.  After exchanging pleasantries and discussing how we were getting along here she offered to take me horseback riding and various places when she gets her car.  

I don't want to read into this and get my hopes up.  It would be a good idea to make friends outside of the quaint little circle that is my husband's family so that they don't stand a chance by being infiltrated by the montster-in-law!!!   Given half a chance, I'm sure that she would just LOVE to dig her claws into some fresh meat. 

So, to my potential shiny new friend....  please don't be frightened by my loud voice, my sarcastic wit or my often times uncharming, unfeminine demeanor.  Last but not least, you will never be subjected to meeting the monster because I would NEVER wish that upon an enemy much less a new friend.   Please feel free to be you and don't be afraid of me being me......   

Dear Mom:

(I decided last night as I was trying to fall asleep that there are things that only my mother would have had answers to - or the only answers that I would want to hear anyway - so I am writing to her via my blog.)

So, today wasn't so bad being home with Jazmin all day.  She really is growing up too fast.  The other night she was on the phone (infinitely) and was answering on the first ring.  That was the first indication that she was up to no good.  Needless to say, she was talking to a boy and that freaked out her father more than me.  I know what it was like being a young girl with raging hormones.  My only hope is that I don't become a grandmother before my time!!  

In other news, I am still struggling to fit in here in Canada.  No such luck with being accepted by the family.  It makes me miss my dysfunctional family so much.  Hubby seems to think that his crazy family is far better than mine but I am starting to believe that it is only a matter of opinion.  Personally,  I like my redneck, backwoods, fun-loving, shit-talking family far more than the ones here that openly attack you and force their opinions on you.  Don't get me wrong, Mom.  There are some that have been gracious and loving.  I wouldn't want to lose them at all, but the others make it harder for me to adapt and quite frankly....  I'm tired of it. 

I've been dreaming again.....   I dream that you tell me that you're still alive.  I don't know what that means.  Other people that suffered a loss believe that they feel the person is with them.  I don't feel you.  I know that I miss you and cry openly just looking at your picture but I just don't feel your presence.  Jazmin wrote a letter to God the other day asking for one more chance to hug you.  It was touching.  She said that she misses telling secrets with you.  She even asked Him if He would allow her to come visit her "Grandma Georgie".   Kaylie doesn't know you but I know you loved her very much too.  I tell her that you called her "Grandma's little bully" and she giggles.   We all have had to grow up in your absence - some more than others. 

Well,  so much was taken for granted when you were here and now that you're not life seems to stand still but continue at the same time.  Does that make any sense?  I never knew how much a nearly forty-year-old woman would need her mommy like I need you.  I love you, Mommie!!!   xoxo

do they give medals of honor for this many years of marriage???

As my seventeenth wedding anniversary approaches I have been reflecting upon the life that my husband and I have shared together.  Some good and most bad but we endured it all and managed to stay married.  Things have definitely changed since 1992, when we embarked on this adventure.......    We met under extraordinary circumstances, forged a friendship that blossomed into something wonderful and then we got married. 
We started out unable to be separated for any given amount of time.  Now, I think we can't wait to be alone.... by ourselves.... without our spouse OR the kids. Sometimes, I even relish the time I have alone in the bathroom.  I have to pretend to have stomach issues so that I can read a book in peace. 

In the beginning, our romantic life was full of exploration and innovation.  Now.....  those are the LAST two words I would use to describe what we do.   Things have just sort of settled into what they are now.  Just this morning, I was laying in bed next to him and was staring out of the window.  He got up and began to get dressed.  He looked at me for a moment then said "You need some D-drops".  I immediately thought that this was code for "Let's get naked"......   Sadly, it wasn't.  There are some sort of vitamin D drops on the market to take during the winter when getting the natural vitamin from the sun is unlikely.  It will also enhance your mood.... meaning - help with depression.  I guess the look of contemplation that I thought was on my face was more easily read as slit-my-wrists.

When we married, it wasn't a shotgun wedding.... no pending children to speak of.  We married out of LOVE!!!   We were young, in love and needing something in our lives that marriage would fulfill........or so we thought!!  Both of us being from broken homes we thought that we could somehow become each others family.  Sometimes, when thinking about my marriage it is often synonymous with regret.  Regret is such a powerful emotion.  Everything that happens is for a reason.  Often times I wonder how my decisions effected the outcome of so many things that I would have changed.   It's a learning process after all.  If I don't learn anything then it truly is regrettable.

In true dysfunctional tradition, we will spend our anniversary weekend (the actual date is on a Monday) by doing what we do EVERY weekend.  Grocery shopping, movie rentals and fast food.  You would think that after 17 years I would have a statue erected in my honor.   I can't help giggling at the word erect.  There isn't much in my life that excites me and that made the top of the list. 

To my husband:   They said that you and I shouldn't be together and they were probably right.  Throughout all of the trials and tribulations ........... we managed to stay together.   You gave me two beautiful daughters whom I love dearly and I thank you for that.  We have grown so much over the years and became who we should have been 18 years ago.  I love you for who you are and know that everything you do is with your family's best interest at heart.  With all my love on our anniversary.  Now .........  Let's get naked!!!

You can't spell DYSFUNCTIONAL without the word FUN!!!!

So after spending the holidays with my husband's family I have deemed myself worthy of the new position of FAMILY RECLUSE.  No longer answering the calls of complaints that one family member has of the other.  Shying away from controversy and only dealing with the people that inhabit my home with me.   For this, I am extremely ecstatic because I won't need to cry myself to sleep over some crazy, asinine decision that SOMEONE ELSE makes - unless it is one of the members of my motley crew. 

I looked around at the faces that surrounded me that night and I found that getting roped into that family was like a really bad sentence for a crime you hadn't yet committed.  I forged a bond between the other non-related members of the clan.  We were connected by the love that we had for our significant other and tolerating their relations was a part of the deal.  

For once, no one complained that the turkey wasn't there at 5 o'clock.  We were all swimming in the community pool known as ALCOHOL by the time the main course arrived.  I was genuinely happy that the evening seemed to be going smoothly -for once.  The kids are all getting along with one another and life couldn't have been any better......................................   or so I thought.

Enter -Clogged Sink!!!   Nothing tears apart the best Christmas night ever like a clogged sink.  What??  It's true...  this is not a joke.  All I can say is too many chiefs and not enough Indians....  well, there is ONE as he pointed out to me. 

I am thankful for my 1,700 mile buffer zone between myself and my relatives.  Thanks to my brother's girlfriend, I will be adopting the new "antisocial" behavior that I have frowned upon for so many years. 
I am really excited about the new recluse life I am planning to live.....   Excited indeed.....  If I choose to alienate myself that means less headache and outside interference!!

We'll see how this new lifestyle goes.  So far, it isn't too bad.   I do, however, miss my extended family of friends that allowed me in their lives.   With a really good family of friends...  life is not only good - it's GREAT!!!!

Trite Complaints......

So, I suppose that one reason that I started this blog was to vent about my frustration with raising a 'special' child.  Indeed special is a fitting term to describe her.  She's only nine but appears to be going on twenty-nine!!  
First, let me tell you that I DO love my child... although there are days that I question that myself.  I love both of my children.  I really, really, REALLY wanted to be a mom.  Now that I am....  I have this strange kinship with animals that eat their young!!!  
Most days are full of yelling in this house.  I dread getting up to face the day.  It all starts with waking the oldest for school.  This task usually consists of one or both of us yelling.  It is a constant battle between the two of us.  I just don't understand it. 
The other night she was arguing with her four-year-old sister and because the argument took a turn that she didn't like, hauled off and hit the little one.  I immediately asked her to go to bed and the response I got was "MAKE ME!!".  That was a WTF moment if I had ever had one. 
Today was no different than any other day....  insisting on wearing clothes that are not in the dress code policy, arguing that it is my fault that she has to wear clothes that she finds unflattering and don't forget the "I hate you's" and You are the worst mom ever!!".  It's enough to drive the sanest person BATSHIT CRAZY!!   I wonder if I should phone ahead my reservation at the local mental institution. 
So here I find myself dreading being around her.  Unable to forgive the bad behavior that has occurred over the last six or more years.   Becoming emotionally unavailable to her because I can't turn it on and off like she does.  It's the worst feeling ever!!! 
She is absolutely gorgeous (and I'm not just saying that because she's MY daughter - she truly is!!) and smart too! 
Over the years, I have had her in and out of therapy with the several conflicting conclusions.  I have the firm belief that she is bipolar and don't know where to begin getting her the help she so desperately needs.  I do know that living like this isn't living at all. 
God help me and her - because this can't go on!!  

A new year...

Nearly a week into 2011 and I find it easier than I expected in keeping with my resolution of NOT taking up smoking....   I wasn't sure of my ability to abstain but I have proven, yet again, that I am stronger than I think.  Although, it would be much easier to give in to the urge rather than fight sometimes.... especially when it seems I am in desperate need of a new vice to help me overcome bouts of depression and/or frustration!!! 

As I reflect on 2010 and all that my family and I have accomplished, it seems that I owe myself (and maybe others) an apology for voicing my trite complaints repeatedly.  This journey has been rough and with the constant obstacles came valuable lessons.  These lessons are teaching me patience....   I say teaching because I haven't quite grasped the concept.  My husband likes to point out that I am a "I want it NOW!!" kind of girl.   I don't find that to be a bad thing, per se.  I like to think that my 'want it NOW' attitude is to thank for many things that go my way!! 

Another thing that 2010 taught me was that people who you think you can trust or SHOULD trust aren't always the people that deserve that priviledge.  In fact, the lesson that I will take to my grave and shall pass along to you is - If it appears too good to be true..... it probably is.   Don't take any unwanted advice from anyone especially if they don't practice what THEY preach.   Some people pride themselves on reading every Self Help book they can get their greedy, little hands on and when I stumbled across the term "Shelf Esteem" I found it fitting. These people LOVE to tell you what is wrong in your life and the woes that they suffer/suffered yet can't seem to find happiness in anyone or thing themselves.   Steer clear of this type!!!

And, last but not least.... Don't sweat the small stuff!!   Ha!!  Now if only I can live by it.  All good things come to those who wait.  Patience is a virtue.  In due time....   yea, yea... what they said!!   I'm trying but it isn't as easy to adhere to as it is to say!!   Trust me when I tell you that I am trying. 

2011 will be better... I promise!!  Now, if I can only make some damn friends!!!!    It's getting pretty lonely in my corner of the world with just my kids listening to me complain!!   (Apologies to my American friends that call me religiously-- I do appreciate you!!)