Is nothing sacred?!!

Okay... I'm going to be blunt.  I don't think there is EVER a good time to become so comfortable with someone that it is OK cross the line of couth.  This opens so many doors that are meant to stay closed.  In the beginning it was sweet.  Protecting our lover from the embarrassing, albeit, NATURAL functions of our bodies.  Somewhere along the line we toss caution to the wind and test the limits of our love. 

I am being slightly hypocritical though because I am as much a culprit as a victim.  After nearly two decades of being married there is nothing sacred between my husband and myself.  I believe that this is the reason for the decline of our romance......  the kids may have a small part to play in that too. 

You know that you're either doomed or destined to be together when you lift your leg in the direction of your loved one and say "Sometimes you just gotta *Poot* blow it out your ass!!"  Or snuggling in bed and the poof of warm air emitting from their lower region and attaching itself to your leg or stomach goes unnoticed.  Par for the course, I suppose. 

Then we delve into the area of blemishes and unwanted body hair.  "Honey.. is this a pimple or what?"  Standing in front of the mirror tweezing your eyebrows while your spouse is cleaning their ears.  My favorite is the life or death conversation that HAS to take place while one or the other is (ahem) doing their business. 

What is it about love and marriage that brings us to be so OPEN about our bodies and their functions?  Isn't what we were hiding from them in the first place?  Like the big girl that only eats a salad on the first date knowing that she's going home to shove 4 candy bars in her mouth.   The infamous holding in of the gas until we are out of earshot of the other person (or smelling range).  That last one was my claim to fame.  I would be in so much pain because I suffer from lactose intolerance and ... well...  let's face it - gas is a part of me.  I remember with such clarity the moment that my then boyfriend / now husband said to me "Stop torturing yourself.  Let it out!!"  And so I have .. many, many times over.   God forbid I pass stinky gas in the presence of my husband.  He would have you believe that I performed the ultimate sin.   I am here to tell you that spinach dip is NOT his friend.....  So he is not without sin himself!!!
It almost always amazes me how much my children enjoy farting.  Playtime in my home sometimes goes like this:  Their father playfully grabbing them and holding them down while he farts on them.  They begin giggling until they can't stand up because they got farted on.  Their retaliation of ass blasting him until one or the other has an emergency evacuation of the bowels and needing a change of underwear.  When did all of this become FUN??  I often catch The Other One farting with her legs in the air so she can smell her own farts..........   (long pause for effect).  Unfortunately, what's done cannot be undone.  I am now raising a generation of kids that have no shame in farts, boogers or using the restroom!!  That is until they start dating and the circle of life comes FULL CIRCLE......

Mornings are NOT for the faint-hearted!!

After enduring a week of having The Other One home due to injuring herself I was relishing the idea of her return to school.  Anxiously awaiting bedtime to arrive on Sunday night.  "School tomorrow!!' I announce to no one and everyone at once.  I couldn't contain my excitement. 

You see, on Monday, The Other One managed to fall down the stairs at school and cause herself such terrible injury that she was not able to attend school for the duration of the week.  Having children is a blessing.  I'm sure that I read that somewhere.  Sadly, I can't find the supporting facts to prove this statement.  My two girls fight like cats and dogs.  From the moment they awake and lay eyes on one another there is a battle royale.  It has even gone so far that my 4-year-old REFUSES to sleep in the same bedroom as her 9-year-old sister.  In a two bedroom apartment that doesn't leave many other options.  So, it's Sofa City Sweetheart for The Little One. 

Come Monday morning, I woke up with bright eyes and a bushy tail (I'm really loving cliches today).  I dart to the restroom to relieve myself  smiling all the while.  I enter the devil's lair and turn on the light. 

Me:  "Good morning. Back to school today!!!  LET'S GOOOO!!"  

The Other One:  -grunt, muffled sounds, grunt -"Three more minutes?"

Me:  "Oh noooo... you were in bed @ 8!  Let's go!"

I leave the pit of despair to embark on lunch duty.  I proceed to make a sandwich while whistling and smiling the whole time.  I glance at the clock only to realize that she is still in bed!!! 

Me:  "Come on... do I have to yank you out of bed??  Let's go!!"

The Other One:  "I'm UP!!!  I'm just thinking!"

Me:  "Can't you think while STANDING and getting DRESSED?!!"

After a fit that would rival an epileptic seizure and a bit of screaming that I am a horrible mother she finally rolls out of bed.  "Yay!!"  I think to myself.

Back to my lunch duty......    Where was I ?   Oh, that's right.... whistling and smiling!!

FINALLY -  the demon spawn that I call my child emerges from the pit wearing what I consider a clown costume but she calls FASHION!  I casually mention that the leggings she chose to wear don't really look .....nice.  She stomps off to her room to find something else.  I believe there were more rantings about hating me or bad mom.  Not too sure, but it's generally true. 

A bowl of cereal for breakfast that she doesn't finish.  I don't know where she thinks we come up with the funding to feed them but apparently we find it under the floor boards and just miraculously make the food appear.  GAH!!!   Two pair of socks to protect her injured ankle.  I point out that she left two pair of shoes at school.  Socks removed.  Did I mention that it was -4 degrees C outside that morning?  Oh, she's immune to the cold.  Which totally surprises me considering we are FROM FLORIDA!!!  

All the whistling and smiling have dissipated.  Now I am muttering things under my breath that include "why did I ever want children?  Does it have to be this hard?  Why me?"

She comes out of the bathroom announcing that she's ready to go and starts to put on her coat.  I notice that her dread locks from a week of not brushing her hair are sticking out from under her hood. 

ME:  "Are you going to brush your hair?"

T.O.O:  "I did.... I SWEAR!!!!" 

I decide to test this theory by running my fingers through her hair.  Oops.... My fingers are now attached to her head.  Crap!! I send her back to try again.  She didn't go without some stomping and yelling.   Round Two -  Less dread locks but definitely NOT brushed!!   Round Three:  Better, but still not brushed.  I gave up the fight.  She won that battle but I will win the war. 

7:20 a.m. and I am giddy.  I begin ushering her out the door with my two bags of garbage.  "Let's go, let's go, let's go!!" 

T.O.O:  "I have to say good bye to Daddy!!"

ME: (internally) Crap!!!! 

Eventually we make it to the bus stop where she proceeds to tell me that her conscience is the DEVIL and he is always telling her to do bad things.  I know this should concern me but I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.  Every morning is an adventure.  I don't really know what to expect.  I should invest in some riot gear and go in there full force to drag her out of bed.  I'd like to see her win that battle. 

By the time I return home from the morning endeavors I am exhausted.  Usually by then, The Little One is just coming out of her slumber.   Let the day begin. 

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Today is Tuesday and I chose to avoid some major confrontations this morning regarding hair and wardrobe.  Choose your battles.... That, and the fact that she yelled "Just leave me alone!!"  and I was so pissed off that I was afraid to say another word without ripping off her head! 

Ah, the joys of parenting!!!  

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step......

It's my civic duty to impart wisdom on my readers.  Today's wisdom comes from a very encouraging source - "Courage to Change".  This is apparently the bible to members of Al-Anon ( a group that I should probably join ).  For those of you who are members or familiar with this program, please disregard my obvious lack of knowledge. 

I have low self-esteem....  I know, I know.  It's not easily recognizable from the outside but people that know me are able to testify to that tid-bit.   I don't know where it stems from but it is omnipresent.  So, my aunt in her infinite wisdom advised me to read this book.  I love to read....  ( I read all four Twilight books in approximately 2 1/2 weeks...it's an illness, I think).  So, I jumped at the opportunity to wrap my mind around some words on paper. 

To my chagrin, this wasn't a cover-to-cover, normal reading experience.  This book is written as a daily affirmation -  page one is titled January 1.  My aunt suggested keeping this bible in the restroom so instead of reading shampoo bottles you get your daily affirmation while evacuating your bowels. 

At first, I was skeptical of reading a book that was directed towards people that are relatives or friends of alcoholics.  My first reaction is that 'they' are the ones with the problem!!  I have never attended a meeting but this book shows me that living with an alcoholic really does change your life and who you become.  

I come from a long line of people that abuse substances. In fact, everyone around me did something to self-medicate.  Whether it be drinking or illegal drugs - sometimes both!!  My father, brothers, uncles, husband.... .the list goes on and on.  I even experimented on my own but my drug of choice is FOOD!!  

I have found that reading these daily affirmations has opened my eyes to the way I deal.  Now it's permanent resting place is on the shelf behind my toilet.  It's not glamorous but it is convenient....

I will close this blog with one of my favorite quotes from the book:

"Daily vigilance will turn out to be a small price to pay for my peace of mind." 

Keep up the daily vigilance because we all need peace of mind!!  

Blaming myself!!

I usually take a serious situation and turn it into a joke but I can't do that now.  I am dealing with an issue that is devouring me and my family.  My nine-year-old daughter has turned me inside out.  I have dealt with her behavior problems since she was two and in daycare. I used to blame myself for poor parenting skills.

I will take you through a brief history of our roller coaster ride that we call "OUR LIFE"...... 

At two-years-old, I was continuously called by the preschool teacher to be informed that she had been biting and scratching her classmates.  This appeared to be 'normal' behavior of a toddler. 

Between three and four-years-old, I was notified that my daughter was the ringleader of a group of children in the restroom taking off their clothes and showing each other their 'parts'.  For this, she was expelled. 

I brought this behavior to the attention of her pediatrician.  The beginning of the documentation.  Upon being expelled, I had to locate and register her in another preschool.  There she appeared to be a different child for a matter of three months and then the mean, dispruptive child reappeared.   She was four-years-old.  Many instances occurred.  She kicked a teacher, was dispruptive in class, hitting other students and running away from the teachers. I even went so far as to have a police officer come speak to her and there was no fear.  She could care less.  The same is true for any kind of person of authority.  Finally, at this time, the doctor diagnosed her as ADHD and put her on a medication to control the behavior.  It was called Daytrana and it was a skin patch.  This seemed to control the behavior to a degree but she was lethargic, tired and had no appetite.  She was upgraded to Focalin XR, which was a pill but she still had the side effects. 

She entered into kindergarten medicated.  She seemed to do well until my mother was diagnosed and passed away from pancreatic cancer.  It was all downhill from there......  There was an instance where she attempted to stab another student with a pencil and had violent tantrums in the classroom.  It was to the point that I was begging for someone to help me.  I asked the school to get me assistance.  They were just looking at it like a behavior problem and would call me everytime an outburst happened. 

This behavior continued on through first, second and third grade.  Less of the physical outbursts but still very defiant and mouthy with the staff and other adults.  She experienced migraines frequently so I made an appointment with a neurologist.  After an hour long meeting, the doctor suggested that the initial diagnosis of ADHD may have been incorrect.  That was the first time the term Bipolar Disorder was used.  The lightbulb went off....  It explained so much!!!

In Florida, with no medical insurance sufficient to cover the costs or enough money to pay the $50 per visit cost.... we struggled through the bad behavior.  My daughter is in the fourth grade and is still exhibiting these behaviors.  In fact, it has reached a new high ----  she punched me in the stomach this morning!! 

I have grown to resent my child.  I am fearful of her mood swings and sad that I do not want her in my home.  This has caused so many issues in my home with myself, my husband and a younger child.  I am trying to focus on getting HELP but it just seems that I have no motivation to continue this fight.  I find myself thinking that she has ruined my life.  I know its not her fault..... I am fully aware that there is a disability that is  causing all of this but it is so hard to differentiate it from her!!!   

I really hope that relief comes soon because I am not capable of continuing on this way!! 

What is a 'bad' word?!!

We all get to a point, even the meek, that we are forced to say words to release pent up frustrations.  We all have a favorite one too.  Mine, I am embarrassed to say, is asshole.  My husband loves to use the 'fuck' word.  It tends to punctuate sentences... it becomes an adjective.... sometimes the word itself is the same as if you spoke an entire sentence. 

When you have children, you want to be the perfect role model and never use these words in their presence.  I haven't been following this guideline very well.  I swear at every chance I get.  When my husband and I are having a conversation it sounds as if we are two gutter-mouthed, truck drivers discussing our latest conquest at a whore-house.  I guess it would be fair to say that our children never had a chance.

The other day, my kids and I were playing around in the bed.... tickling each other and giggling.  I pinned The Other One under my leg and The Little One was very upset.  She wanted to protect her big sister and save her from the Demon Mom.  She climbed my back and tried to pull me off of her sister.  She pulled effortlessly on my arms and when she realized that I wasn't budging .....that's when it happened.  My baby called me an Ass Grow.  She said it over and over without any remorse.  She wanted me off of her sister and was going to use every weapon in her arsenal.  After nearly collapsing from the shock and giggling hysterically, I asked her to repeat it again.  "You're an ass grow."  She was definitely serious.  I had to tell her that Ass was the bad word.  Her eyes grew in astonishment and she said, "Oh... I'm sorry, Mommy." 

What can I say to her?  She has been a victim of such colorful language for her entire life and it never phased her before.  She found herself in a situation that her physical strength wasn't going to overpower me so she did what any normal human being would do.... cuss me out!!!  I commend her on her wit but how do I eradicate this misguided teaching?

Only a few months ago she was 'beeping' her bad language.  She told her sister that she was a 'beep', but I guess the effect was lost with the beep.  Somewhere along the line she decided that she was going to find a more resourceful way to voice her version of this vulgarity that we call talking in our home.  Everyday she asks me if blank is a bad word; or can she say blank.  Some days she asks me to run through the list of 'bad words' so she can ask me if, in fact, it is a bad word.  Then, after determining that said word is bad, she continues to tell me that she will be able to say it in her own home when she gets big. 

The Other One grew up the same way and never had an interest in potty mouth.  I can't remember a time that she said a word that even resembled a dirty word.  She's nine and I think I heard her say 'hell' for the first time yesterday!!  I assumed that desensitization was the key to prevent our children from having such a horrible vocabulary.  I guess I was wrong.  Each child has adapted their own way of dealing.

I would like to say that we have learned our lesson and cleaned up our language but as nice as it sounds I regret to inform you that we are still prone to cussing as a way of communication.  The only time that we refrain from saying the most vulgar of words is in the presence of my husband's 82-year-old grandmother and my mother-in-law.  Shit is among the acceptable words.... so we make due. 

Thanks to my four-year-old, I have added AssGrow to my list of choice words.........

My new life in Canada is sizing up to be what any other life anywhere else would be.... LIFE!!  It has all the same plot twists, adventures and drama that any other life would have.  Whenever there is family involved (no matter whose it is) you can bet drama will ensue. 

I'm happy to say that after nearly 17 years married, for the first time, I am extremely in love with my husband.  I am learning to maneuver around his idiosyncrasies, which would sometimes make me a stunt woman!!  What normally would cause a huge breakdown in our relationship has been diminished in nano-seconds.  Our desire to tear each other down has been removed from the equation.  Life is just a simple as life can be - right now. 

Enter Family --  where drama left off in our previous life, family revitalizes for us in this one. 

My intentions are not to offend anyone but it seems that whenever others are involved in your life or insist on involving you in theirs'.....  the outcome is usually, if not definitely, DRAMA!!  Drama always takes on a life of its own once it begins and there is always that ONE person that you can count on for getting the ball rolling.  In my family, my mom had a lovely way of constantly pitting my brothers and myself against one another.  Not because she wanted us to hate each other but she really didn't have anyone to tell her problems to and 99% of her problems were us kids!!  As any loving child should, we would run to the rescue of our mother and defend her honor to the child that was 'in her sights' at that moment. 

Now that Mom has passed, I find it is much simpler without the arguing but without her we have no relationship at all.  Our common ground was our Mother and complaining about the way she was always making us look bad to each other.  Now our only common ground is missing her.  That separates us more than bringing us together. 

Needless to say, every family has its own dynamic and let's just say not everyone gets along.  My birth sign suggests that I try to keep everyone happy and maintain balance (Libra / Scales) but sometimes I get caught up in the moment and my mouth tends to override my brain.  There is also the time when something I say is taken totally out of context and blown out of proportion.  I never want to be in any one's cross hairs when the proverbial shit hits the fan!!  I don't handle controversy well. 

The holidays are soon upon us and families will gather...........putting aside all the drama from the year and smiling with one another; forgetting any animosities.  This time of year makes me long for the days when I was confronting my brother for causing my mother stress and gathering together at her request to smile and forget our disagreements. 

Cheers to the drama for it brings families together..

another year older

I thought I would wake up to breakfast in bed, flowers and balloons. Everyone would be smiling and getting along. HA! Is this my first day in this family?

I got up at 8 because I couldn't sleep anymore. Soon after The Little One was waking as well. She wanted Easy Mac for breakfast. What the hell, I said... it's easy and it's my birthday!! So, as I am making her delicious meal I say "it's my birthday today". She looks at me with disgust and says "AGAIN?" Well.... hello to you to!!

The Other One drug herself out of bed at 9:45 with an attitude. After about 20 minutes of complaining and looking like she hates life she says "Oh, happy birthday Mommy." then like she remembered something "Is Daddy up yet?" My better/other half was sleeping in because he celebrated my birthday eve better than I did!!

When the entire brood was finally awake my husband took the kids out for a little bit. That was extremely nice since I can't really remember the last time that I showered without someone storming in to pee or ask me a question. They returned with a pair of boots that I drooled on the day before.

My daughter, The Other One, has a hard time sharing the spotlight so when it has to do with celebrating me she tries really hard to mess it up for me. She comes down the street with boots in hand waving them around for the entire neighborhood to see. Nice.... because it isn't a surprise for me so why not spoil it for them too. My husband looks as though someone shot his dog. I ask him what's wrong and he points at the kids. Ahhhhh... I totally understand.

I proceed to cook myself my celebratory dinner which is lasagna. I figured that the love of my life would make the effort and supervise the cupcake preparation with the kids..... NOOOOO... I had to push him over the edge by getting all of the ingredients and kick the birdie out of the nest. This project turns into arguing because both of my children think that they are grown and can do whatever they want. If one wasn't storming off - the other was!! It got to the point that The Other One decides to tell me that she didn't get me a gift. Happy Birthday to me.

I finished the cupcakes and assembled the lasagna alone. Hubby went about some household chores that only he could do. The kids.... well, they did what they do best - tell on each other, yell and scream!!

I'm at a loss. Since when is asking for a peaceful day a bad thing? Well, I do have to admit that it has been better than most birthdays. Sometimes you just have to be thankful for what you DO have. One day I will think back and miss all the bickering!! Right now - I can do without it.

Is it ever going to be a good time?

The other day 'The Other One' came home from school, as she normally does, drops all of her belongings on the living room floor and sets out to find endless snacks before starting her homework.  I listen with a fake sense of interest as she regales me with stories of Elementary school drama.  As I listen, I start emptying her lunch box which consisted of a melted freezer pack, crushed crackers and a piece of paper.  The dampness of the melted freezer pack caused the cracker crumbs to become a gooey substance that covered the inside of the lunch box.  I'm grossed out and wondering what possessed her to crush the crackers instead of eating them.  She is still going on and on about her school chums and I am still feigning interest.  I start to open the folded piece of paper and begin reading it:  Dear You - it begins.  I'm sorry that I ran away from you today but I was shy.  (WHAT?!! Keep reading Mom) If you really want to talk to me again tell Bridget and I may be under the tree.  I love you.  (OH-MYYYY-GAWD!!! OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!!)  At the bottom of this lovely letter are colorful hearts.  I need to tell you that I am paraphrasing from memory because the instant that it was discovered what it was I was actually reading, the item was confiscated and never seen again. 

At this point I am shocked!!  Maybe not shocked.... angry?  No.  I don't know how to describe the actual emotion.  My initial instinct was to yell but I composed myself and thought that yelling only makes her shut down.  I know she likes boys.  It isn't like I don't see Justin Bieber everyday because he's plastered on her bedroom wall.  Or the older boy last year that passed us at the bus stop that she would always stare at.  I am fully aware that her hormones have taken over but I wasn't prepared to deal with LOVE LETTERS!! 

When I was 14 and started 'liking boys' my mom decided that she being a single mom and working all of the time couldn't watch over me and my raging hormones the way I needed.  So she passed me off to my dad and his wife.  Mom, it didn't work.  I was EXTREMELY hormonal there!!  A lot of my "firsts" happened while I was under my dad's care.  Way to go, Dad!! 

My daughter is going through a lot of changes and I am fully aware of them all.  She is sprouting hair and having break outs.  Her attitude goes from timid nine-year-old to raging bitch in 0.9 seconds flat.  She isn't like other nine-year-old's that care only about playing and what's on tv.  No, not my daughter... she has blonde highlights in her dark brown hair.  She refuses to get a hair cut because she loves her long hair.  She obsesses over her clothes- even if her dad and I think she looks like a hobo. It is her style and it has to be just right.  Girls her age are asking for dolls and video games for presents - The Other One prefers perfume, makeup and jewelry. 

On to the matter-at-hand ----She was in shock! "Give me that, Mommy.  It's a page from my diary."  I can't believe this kid thinks I'm that stupid.  Is she serious?  Okay... get yourself together, Mom...  I started asking questions.  Who is this kid?  Why are you sending him notes? As she pointed out, she didn't send it.  That's why it was still in her lunch box.   WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?  I'll tell you what I did... after persistent begging not to tell Daddy (which I did, secretly) I told her that I never want another one of these written again.  I had to use my Jedi Mom Tricks..  I told her "you know that you always get caught so just don't do it" 

I am just not ready.  Not ready to let my nine-year-old enter the world of heartbreaks even if they are only playground ones.  Sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have had boys.  I think boys are easier to raise.  It all goes back to the 'curse'.  I pray that The Little One doesn't discover boys until she's 23 and has a sturdy idea of who she is and what she wants to be.  I have to be careful because I could be inviting a whole new set of problems onto myself. 

I'd like to recommend....

I am constantly on the lookout for new music to upload to my ipod.  Music defines my life.  I have a passion for it.  I sing like a tone deaf Holstein cow and have the rhythm of an epileptic having a seizure but I still enjoy singing out loud and dancing whenever I get a chance!!  No matter what is going on in your life I bet there's a song that you can relate to at that moment.  I love all kinds of music and could spend hours listening............  

So here are a few artists that I'd like to recommend listening to: 

Priscilla Renea is a girl from South Florida.  I like her fresh approach and that she has a very beautiful voice.  I can really get behind her music and hope that this girl goes very far......
Citizen Cope is so soulful..... I am going to be completely honest - I could not believe that he was white!!  Easy listening...  Love it!!
Bruno Mars - we have all heard him featured on several other albums but his solo stuff is really good.  I love his voice.  So pure and talented.  Don't let his recent drug arrest deter you from listening. 

The NY Post also has a list of recommended artists to watch.  I like Nneka, Spencer Day, Kimberly Caldwell (American Idol alum) and April Smith & The Great Picture Show. 

Oh, and I almost forgot.....  the BESTEST cover band EVER!!!   The Swinging Richards.....  It was always the best weekend that started with seeing these guys perform at Murphy's Law @ The Hard Rock Hotel & Casino - Hollywood, FL.  Start off the night at Wet Willie's with a Call-A-Cab and head on over to Murphy's to get your music on.  These guys rocked!! 

Whether you're just passing through or are an avid reader, please send me some suggestions.  I am very open-minded and appreciate being introduced to new music.  Maybe you'd like to promote your band or a friend's band.  Go ahead.... 

It's the end of the world as we know it...

Mom has fallen ill!!!!  Struck down by a common cold.  My ears are clogged and therefore causing my equilibrium to be off.  My head is congested, sinuses are in agony and the relentless sneezing is unbearable.  I feel horrible but I must push forward.  I apologize in advance for any ramblings or incoherent statements.  They are drug and illness induced and I should not be held accountable. 

For the last few days my eyes fly open at 4:48 a.m.  I lay there contemplating the meaning of this for a few minutes and then my bladder starts bellowing its complaints.  So, I shuffle off to the bathroom where there I continue my evaluation of what is causing me to wake up at the same time over the course of the last few days. I came up with nothing but my mind wasn't about to let it go.  Back to my bed I shuffle and when it seems that I just got comfortable and fallen into a deep sleep - the alarm starts its morning routine...   I only hit the snooze once this morning but I really wasn't ready to start my day. 

I'm getting older and my body parts aren't all in working condition this early in the morning, so when I say 'shuffle' that's exactly what I do.  I shuffled into 'The Den of the Damned" (kids' room) to wake 'The Other One'.  That's our affectionate nickname for the oldest.  The youngest is 'The Little One'.  It's usually a fight to get her out of bed but she was actually decent this morning.  Now that she's up and beginning her routine, off to the kitchen I go to pack lunches for her and her Dad. 

Whew ... this morning is going off without a hitch.  Oops, thought that too soon.  Here comes 'The Little One' sleepily side stepping her way into the living room.  "Can I go to the bus stop with you guys?"  Ugh...  I have to dress her now too.  We did it!!  All of us ready in time for the bus.  Down the stairs we head to wait on the corner in 48 degree weather.  My body is protesting at this point.  Letting me know how desperately it just wants to crawl back under the covers and hibernate.  Oh, good.... the bus is a little early today.  7:30 instead of 7:32 - what luck!!   The whole time I am having an inner conversation with my body.  "Just down the block, up the stairs and into the house.  Not much further now.  Here we go.  You're doing great!  Just take off your shoes and hit the couch." 

I was able to sleep until my hubby got up for work. An hour, I think.  Although, while I was sleeping on the couch, The Little One was curled up behind my knees and I swear she was doing gymnastics while I was sleeping.   I'm up now with no motivation to do anything.  Thankfully I finished the laundry yesterday.  I tried begging my hubby to stay home from work to care for me but of course he used the whole 'We have bills to pay' defense on me. 

Oh, and I am home all day with my four-year-old (who also has a cold) and since I have no desire to occupy myself with any other activity I am subjected to child programming all day.  Being sick is just a cruel and unjust punishment on mothers.  I always think of that cold medicine commercial where the mom is sick.  The dad and kids are making themselves breakfast and destroying the kitchen.  Mom gets up, takes her medicine and goes in to face the disaster that is her family.   I took medicine but I still don't want to face these animals. 

I wonder how they will fare without my assistance?  ~giggles~  There is no way.  As much as I love him, the hubby would abandon us if he was left to deal with these kids himself.  So, I'll just lay here for a while longer and recuperate from this exerting blog.  By the time The Other One gets out of school, I should be able to force myself to start preparing supper.....   HOPEFULLY!! 

Here are some articles that gave me a little chuckle.   In my house, I am not allowed to be sick.  My hubby believes that only he is entitled to that privilege.  Not that he is insensitive (okay - maybe he is) but its just that he thinks that I am a hypochondriac (okay - I am) and when I get sick he thinks that I am exaggerating (sometimes I am).

When Mommy is Sick
When Mommy Gets Sick

This has been exhausting............... I shall attach my body to the sofa and put The Little One on Playhouse Disney.com or Nick Jr.com and that will occupy for a few hours while I recuperate. 

Let's play... Getting to Know Your Blogger

I did this on Facebook where you had to put down 25 Random Facts About Yourself.......Although, not many participated I thought it was a good idea to get to know your friends in a different light.  I'm breathing life back into this idea. 

1. I am an original, true Floridian - born and raised and recently moved to Canada.  Montreal is nice, the language barrier is frustrating and the change of seasons is awesome!


2. After my brother divorced his wife, she and I remained very close.


3. My favorite method of communication is screaming and yelling.  I hate that I do it, but I don't know how to stop.  My mother was a yeller and I guess you can call me Old Yeller!!  Oh, that was corny. 


4. I'm a tattoo addict.  I would be Kat Von D and covered in ink but I often think what will this look like when I'm 60. 


5. Although I would deny it if ever asked, I am truly a southerner!! I eat sausage gravy and biscuits
every chance I get!!


6. My personality allows me to make friends easily, but my lack of self esteem doesn't help in keeping
them.


7. I regret not being a better daughter to my mother.


8. Secretly wish that I had a dirty job that involved outdoor activities.  In fact, any job would be nice right now.  This transitional period while waiting for our immigration is driving me insane. 


9. Forgives easily and forgets nothing!!!


10. I have a hard time moving forward when I can blame myself and live in the past.


11. I have a hard time thinking positive - the glass is half empty, never half full!! Unless there is liquor in said glass....  then the glass is always full but on its way to being empty!!


12. I love to laugh and enjoy imitating voices or making jokes. I believe that is my security blanket.  I hide behind the jokes because I am afraid to face my pain.


13. I long to be skinny!! I am a skinny bitch that a fat lady ate!!!


14. Wishes to have the ability to stand up for myself at any given time to say no and to make my own
decisions! Would someone tell me when I can do that?!!


15. Fearful that I am not a good enough mother.  I am really, truly trying to be a good one but at times it is very hard. 


16. Has a niece that is 20 years old that I haven't seen since she was 6 and really wish that my brother
hadn't made the mistakes that he made that caused her to be taken from our family.


17. DYSFUNCTIONAL - is a word that describes my family!!


18.  I regret not having the opportunity to be closer to my mother's family.  I have so many family members that I have never met or haven't seen in many years.  All of whom are very gifted and worth knowing. 
19. I am a hypochondriac.......  If there is a symptom - I have diagnosed myself with the most severe disease ever and think I am dying from said disease. 


20. I never had a cast.  Broke my nose once though...


21. My support group consists of a small group of women that each contribute something to me with their different personalities.  I love each of them and call them my FAMILY!!!   N, A, K & K!!


22. I am extremely attracted to men with tattoos and piercings.  I guess the 'bad boy' is always my weakness. 


23. I am disgusted by alcohol/drug abuse. I've seen it ruin lives up close.


24. I dream about making better memories for my kids.  I want them to have the best childhood ever although when referring to #15, I have to work on my parenting skills. 
25. I am a dog lover but I hate walking them and feeding them.  I hate cats.  They are so evil and self absorbed.  Blecchh!!

The Bearded Lady at the Carnival.....

All of us at some time or another have felt like the Bearded Lady.... and I don't mean just because a few of us have unwanted facial hair. A better description may be like a three-headed monster. That no matter how we try to blend in, we stand out like a sore thumb. Well, welcome to my Week From Hell... (insert dramatic music here)

I'm not a small woman by any means. I'm not sure who to thank for my height or my generous breasts but I would like to thank Little Debbie, McDonald's and all others for my curvaceous body. Being a plus sized woman usually draws attention anyway but for some reason Mother Nature decided to play a cruel joke on me and give me my 'monthly' for THREE weeks. As if that weren't enough let's top it off with a cold sore the size of my face and a zit that looks like I got punched on the side of my nose. The combination of all of this makes me feel like the Elephant Man.  Needless to say, I will remain indoors for the duration.  At least until these defects disappear. 

Everyday my "KK" stares at the cold sore and tells me that my boo boo is red and is getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger.  Wow... so much for self esteem.  I'm fortunate enough that I don't really have to show my face in public.  No one will be frightened by the horror that reflects back at me in the mornings.  Morning is the ONLY time I allow myself to look in the mirror because the cold sore is reminiscent of the zit on Family Guy that forces Chris to do all kinds of evil acts. No sense subjecting myself to the horror more than once a day.  I wonder if I should name this virus.  I don't really want to be friendly with it and make it comfortable... the sooner it leaves, the better!!  It wouldn't be so bad if I were at a carnival and collecting a paycheck for allowing others to view my oddities. 

Bearded Ladies unite!!  After my face heals.............  group rates at the local laser hair removal center may be in order.

Waving good bye to summer!!

It is almost a year since my kids and I arrived in Canada.   When I exited the airport in December, 2009, there was snow on the ground and a bitter chill in the air.  This isn't Kansas anymore, Dorothy - I thought.  In Florida, there is year round summer and the occassional cool down that they like to refer to as WINTER!!!  

I remember calling my husband at work in tears to tell him that this God awful place has no sunlight.  Where is the sun?!!  On what planet does the sun go down at 3 pm?  After laughing he explained that this is what happens during the winter.  Don't worry, he told me, it is only temporary. 

The day that the snow melted and the sun started warming up the earth was momentous for me.  I opened the windows, took walks to Grandma's house and smiled again.  Our weather was soon mirroring Florida's weather.  Too hot for this place though.  No central a/c and no ocean breezes.  I found myself calling my husband again saying that the sun won't go down.  My kids are becoming zombies from lack of sleep.  The sun going down is a sign to their little bodies that bedtime soon approaches.  Here it is 9 o'clock and the sun is STILL UP!!  I am being tortured by Mother Nature in this foreign land. 

Gradually, the sun started going down at a decent hour and just in time for Jaz to start back to school.  Since she has a bedtime, her body will recognize that now since the sun is going to sleep too.  Just as the warm sun starts to go down so does the temperature.  This is my first experience with seasons.  Well, more seasons than just summer and Indian Summer!!  Florida hasn't many seasons to speak of. 

Watching the trees go from dead and bare to lush and green has been such a joy to my senses.  I find myself looking forward to the fluffy white stuff on the ground again.  Anticipating putting on coats, hats and scarves again.  Just knowing that after this it will be spring again makes suffering through the lack of sunlight bearable.

I'm likening the changing of seasons to my battle with depression.  It's been 3 years since I lost the only person that I ever really loved more than my kids.  Depression has been a first and foremost in my life for the duration but it has come time to say good bye.  If we were forced to live through winter with no hope of spring, summer or fall it would be doom and gloom.  Thankfully, there are changes in seasons.  My mourning season is over.  Much like saying good bye to summer - I am saying good bye to my grief!!  

Time has come to live my life and celebrate the woman that my mother created!!  Someone break out the balloons and noise makers....  we're having a party!!

Momma said there'd be days like this..........

The girls

The image you see above appears to be two darling little girls.  Sugar n' spice & everything nice....  NOT!! 

It was my lifelong ambition to be a mother.  To have someone to love and love me back unconditionally.  When my husband and I married it wasn't something that we discussed at any length.  I wanted kids but he......... well, not so much.  Every month my period would be late and I would be hopeful.  Anxiously watching the calendar hoping the full month would pass and I could take a pregnancy test.  I was never able to wait long.  I would break down and buy the test.  The test would be negative, I would cry and then Mother Nature would rear her ugly head.  My marriage was no 'Leave it to Beaver' episode either. My husband and I are like warring countries. We love each other so much that even our fights are passionate (and not in a sexual way). We have been on again, off again for the last 17 years.

This process went on for nearly four years. So, during one of our 'on again' moments I decided that I wanted to know why we weren't conceiving.  What was wrong?  Why couldn't I bring another life into this world that would have my husband's eyes and my long fingers?  Was I broken?  Was my husband broken?  Had I been that bad of a person that I wasn't deemed fit to be a mother?  All these questions were running through my head.  The doctor that I went to see, Dr. Ans, said that a simple exploratory procedure would give me the answers that I was looking for.    The procedure involved putting me to sleep, filling my stomach with gas, tilting the table so that my organs would fall forward and making three small incisions across my bikini line and a not-so-small one in my belly button.  The recovery was hellacious!!  The verdict?  Adhesion in my uterus that she removed.  "You should be pregnant in three months" she says. 

Two years later I woke up feeling really crappy.  I called my job and told them that I had a stomach virus because I wasn't able to keep anything down.  My aunt brought me a pregnancy test.  When I got the positive result I wasn't sure what to do.  I immediately went to my mom's job and told her first.  My husband, Chris, wasn't so happy but I wasn't going to let that bring me down.  That was August, 2000.  On April 17th, 2001 Jazmin Nycole blessed us with her presence with a full head of black hair, black eyes and olive skin. 

 I was thinking that becoming a mother would be the greatest reward for living that any woman could ever receive.  I was blessed with an angel and loved every inch of her. 

Flashback -- I'm fourteen-years-old and have begun running away from home, talking to boys and becoming defiant.  My single mother decides she has had enough and has already called my remarried father to take me.  During one of our arguments, my mother yells, "I hope you have children that are ten times worse than you".....   It was so harmless at the time.  What could possibly come of this statement?  She's crazy, I thought, laughing at the idea.  My father came and got me and I went to live with him and his wife.  I was the model child.  I had to work to buy my own school clothes, Christmas presents, toiletries, etc.  I babysat, cleaned houses and offices with my stepmother and anything else that earned me some cash.  I did my chores after school, homework and never talked on the phone.  I also joined the church choir. I guess I wasn't good enough because one fateful day my stepmother was angry with me and says "I hope you have children that are ten times worse than you".  Is this for real?  Is this something that women say to kids when they don't have anything else to say?  I don't get what it meant.  At fourteen, I didn't really give it much thought though. 

Looking back I realize that I was cursed.  Yes, cursed!!  You can believe what you want to but I know for a fact that I was cursed not once but twice.  My mother knew what she was doing.  She said those words to me knowing full well what the outcome would be.  Later, my mother admitted that her mother had cursed her also. 

So, now I am blessed with two little girls.  Five years after Jazmin came Kaylie Marissa.  Born to us on June, 23, 2006, and the spitting image of her sister.  They even weighed the same at birth.  Two little girls of my own to love and to love me unconditionally.  HA!   There are days when I wonder what possessed me to want children. 

It hasn't been confirmed but Jazmin shows a lot of symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.  She originally was diagnosed with ADHD but her neurologist believes that it may have been a misdiagnosis.  Bipolar often presents itself as ADHD and the meds for that had really bad side effects.  She is combative with her sister and everyday is like WW III.  There is constant screaming, kicking, yelling and cussing.  Sometimes the kids do that stuff too!  Seriously.........   I suffer from Caregiver Burnout.   Ladies, don't use this to get out of doing the laundry or cooking dinner for the week.  I've tried and it doesn't work. 

My mother was Jazmin's biggest fan.  The two of them would fight like cats and dogs, but my mother would do/buy/give anything to her.  I would complain that I can't take it anymore and tell my mother that I was going to put her up for adoption.  My mother, knowing she cursed me, would tell me that Jazmin was 'different'.  Even when my mother was doped up on methadone and fading in and out of conciseness she heard me having to punish her and she called me to her room to tell me 'be patient.........she's different'. 

I'm not blaming my mother but I believe that my children would have been perfect little angels had it not been for that damned curse.  She knew what she was doing when she did it. God rest her soul, if she were alive, she would be raising them RIGHT NOW!!!

So, to all the mothers out there thinking of doing this to your children.  Please, I implore you, DON'T!!  It isn't necessary.  The world provides us with enough evil and wrong-doing that we don't need it in our own homes.  Love your kids............   I say this jokingly because I know my mother loved me.  I'm sure that she is looking down on us and shaking her head wishing she could take it back.  That's okay, Momma...  just work your magic from up there and help me raise them!!  I love you!

Making a brand new ending.....

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start;
Anyone can start from now and make a brand new end. 

I stumbled across this tidbit of information that I had written on a piece of paper, torn from my journal and stashed away in a tote underneath a million pounds of other tidbits of memorabilia that I have hoarded over the last several years.  Seems like the universe is trying to tell me something.  As usual, I'm not listening. 

My kids and I moved to Canada to join my husband and his family recently for what we thought to be a 'brand new start'...........   Who knew we were doing it wrong?  We're supposed to be making a 'brand new end' instead.  Part of this process involves sorting through our previous existence and ridding ourselves of dead weight.  I ventured into this project this morning and got lost in the memories and endless amounts of crap.  Hair clippings from first haircuts, stickers for projects that I have yet to begin and artwork dating back to when my now 9-year-old was in preschool.  Also, amongst the nonsense that defines my life, was a card that I had bought my mother upon finding out she was terminal, a hospital bracelet from one of the many times she was hospitalized, a card that she gave to my oldest for Valentine's Day and a letter that she wrote to her family upon missing yet another family reunion. 

My mother passed away on March 20th, 2007, after a short battle with pancreatic cancer.  I say short because even though she was in pain for years, she never made an appointment to have herself examined.  She had battled breast cancer and ultimately won but not without casualties.  She lost her left breast and many lymph nodes too.  Leaving her less of a woman in her eyes.  She refused to be diagnosed with yet another life-threatening illness.  Later, my aunt informed me, that during a brief visit with her and another sister my mother admitted to thinking she was riddled with cancer.  Not long after that, we were losing her. 

So, among all the THINGS that I have accumulated throughout the years and can't stand to part with, I have also inherited my mother's things.  It has been a slow process but I am coming to terms with letting things go.  They are, after all, only things.  It's not like the blood pressure monitor that I have buried away in the closet is going to one day hop out and hug me saying all will be alright.  Maybe it's the countless times my mother would say "When I'm gone you are going to just throw my crap away".   I'm not going to lie, many of her 'treasures' I would often question the validity of keeping them while she was alive. 

Needless to say, in the end, they are just that - THINGS!!  Inanimate objects that are incapable of showing love or emotion.  They hold a memory of a person, place or idea.  I'm not ready to let go of everything but I am relieving my load just a little bit.  Maybe this cleansing will help me mentally as well.  I know that my husband will appreciate the fact that I am finally making room in the closet!! 

Anyone want to buy a slightly used blood pressure monitor?